My bootycall boyfriend has a girlfriend

January 10, 2011 11:36:00 Posted at January 10, 2011 11:36:00
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Written by Sasha

Hi Sasha, I've been hooking up regularly with an old high school buddy of mine, more like a crush I would smoke up with when I was 16, but I digress. He's funny, sweet, a little dumb, but the badass quality he possessed in high school is still there not to mention he's sexy as f*ck! What’s the problem you ask? He's got a girlfriend, oh and we're both guys. I only found out recently and confronted him about it, but he didn't see the big deal since our whole thing is on the DL anyhow. That response really weirded me out. I've told my female friends and they think the whole situation is icky and in a way I agree, so why can't I stop hooking up with him? The sex is crazy good (always safe) I just don't like the way I feel afterward about myself, about him, about everything. I'm 25 and way too old for this messy sh-t; so basically what I'm asking is how do I disengage as it were? I feel like sh-t not to mention I'm terrified of some serious karmic repercussions.

This situation is one big shade-fest. Now I know you need some advice on this but can we all just take a moment for the girlfriend in the dark. I mean, not only is she being cheated on but girl probably doesn’t know that her man swings both ways. So people, if you’re drinking some alcohol right now, pour some out for our soon to be heart broken homegirl.

But back to what you need to do. Whether or not you’re having some next level mind blowing sex, please, for all that is good and holy, do not be swooned back by the dick. It’s not worth your time to be twisted up into something that as you point out feels so dirty. And don’t even get me started on karma - that sh-t is straight up legit.

So how you disengage from this situation is easy. First, you start by telling yourself that you’re not going to be a part of anything that isn’t honest. And this guy sounds like he’s never going to admit this action to his girl let alone himself so f-ck that noise and get out before you a) start making the situation way more complicated and b) start developing feelings for this dumb ass. Next, don’t pick up any late night booty calls and don’t be texting any sexy sh-t. The end.

My friend's husband works where I do and my friend used to work there also and before she left there was a big blow up involving her man and another woman. Basically, my friend found a text which led her to call the number, then she found out that the chick works with us. He says that they only hung out, but he was with her from 8 at night until 2 in the morning. The day after, my friend stopped working there, he went to lunch with this chick. He also came up to my friend and told him that they fooled around. We know he is cheating, but none of my friends or myself have their new number, and her cell phone is shut off. He says that he lost their number, but he knows that as soon as one of us talk to her, we are going to rat him out. Here's my dilemma, my fiancé doesn't like for me to have guy friends, he is jealous of all men. I have a great guy friend at work, and that is all we are, friends. The cheater went up to my guy friend the other day and said, what's going on with you and C? He said that we are just friends, then the cheater said "yeah right, just like me and her are just friends". Meaning the chick that he is cheating with. I really want to tell my friend that her husband is an unfaithful jerk, but I don't want him to get mad and tell my fiancé that I am fooling around with a guy at work, because I'm not and if my fiancé believes him, then I don't know what he would do. I don't even want him to know that I have a guy friend, because he believes that men and women can't be just friends. I am not only scared, but I feel like a horrible friend for not doing more to tell my friend what is going on. Please let me know your thoughts. CM

Holy sh-t, this is one crazy complicated ordeal! I had to read it over three times just to get my mind wrapped around all the players involved, but CM, I think I’ve got the story down now and my answer is two-fold. So here it goes.

Before you track down your friend to tell her that her boyfriend is a big time creeper you have to make sure that you’re 100% sure that he’s cheating with this co-worker. This is a hugely sensitive subject so make sure your facts have been triple checked before you peep a word to your friend. If the final answer still comes back that yes, he is indeed a dirt bag, then you have to let your friend know what time it is. And that time is a quarter past GET THE F-CK OUT. Now I know there’s no great way to deliver this news but please make sure you’re coming at it from a really sensitive place. This is about her and only her. So don’t start bringing in your own sh-t about being scared that her boyfriend is going to rat you out for having a guy friend at work.

Which leads me to the second phase of my answer.

I’m sorry to break it to you but the scariest thing about this whole situation is that you’re about to marry a guy who doesn’t allow you to have guy friends. No way, no how, should he be dictating who you’re ‘allowed’ to be friends with. Why does he think guys and girls can’t be just platonic friends? I don’t mean to plant the paranoia seed, but I worry that maybe the reason your fiancé doesn’t believe a male/female friendship is possible is because he can’t trust himself around the opposite sex. I would straight up ask him that. If his answer is no, well then, you know what you need to do. And if his answer is that yes, of course he can be trusted, then why in the freak can’t you be trusted with the same situation.

You are entitled to hang out and talk to whoever you want (as long as it’s not crossing any lines). And the fact that your fiancé has barred you from ever having any guy friends is not only mega controlling but highly lame. You have to start being more honest with your soon-to-be husband about the life you want to lead and one of those factors is who YOU choose to enrich your life with. If you’re not honest and open about this now you’ll be living in this weird place of spiralling secrets. None of this leads to a good and healthy marriage.

CM, be strong and do what you gotta do and keep me posted on the outcome!

Dear Sasha. This July, I met a guy and things were really great up until December. We never called each other boyfriend/girlfriend, but we did establish that we were not sleeping with other people and I had met some of his family (not parents though) and he had been to a few of my work functions. It felt as if we were headed to serious relationship territory – and I was loving it. So anyway, when we re-connected in September, he did tell me that he had a trip planned, to SE Asia, for a month over the Christmas holiday. At the time, I didn’t really think too much about it, but as it got closer I began to wonder what was going to happen. So, a couple days before he left, I brought it up and asked him how he felt about the whole situation and if we were exclusive. I basically said I wanted to just pick up where we left off when he got back. He told me that he would like to “put our relationship on hold” so he could “experience everything that SE Asia had to offer”, but added that he didn’t necessarily want to sleep with other women. He said that if he or I were seeing other people when he got back then obviously it wasn’t meant to be, but if we were both still interested, we could get back together. He also said a bunch of other stuff about us not having a “full-fledged relationship” because we hadn’t had enough time to meet families, do more activities together, etc., and as such, it didn’t warrant a full commitment while he was away. I understand (but do not agree with) where he was coming from, and while I do appreciate his honestly, I was extremely hurt and upset. I basically told him to F-off and didn’t say goodbye before he left. We’ve emailed back and forth a few times, he said he’s been thinking about me. I’ve never met a guy like him before, I really think we have something special, but I’m afraid that if I give him another chance I will be seen as weak or he will hurt me again in the future. Do you think I’m crazy to even consider getting back together with him? Is what he did unforgivable? What should I do when he gets back next week? C

Well let’s all get real for a moment. The reason why he put the relationship ‘on hold’ was to absolutely get his f-ck on at some ecstasy fueled full moon party. No doubt. But having said that I don’t think he’s done anything all that wrong. He’s 29 and when people go travelling it’s all about this once in a lifetime freedom and ‘finding yourself’. And I can honestly say if I was him I would have done the same thing. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t understand where you’re coming from. I get that you thought you guys were on a roll and you’re still totally entitled to feel hurt. But I do think he was as honest as he could be with you and just because you wanted an exclusive relationship, that doesn’t mean he’s a dick for not wanting the same thing. So I think you can totally give the relationship another chance. Press ‘reset’ when he gets back and from there see where this relationship can go.

And if I could offer one more bit of advice: lay off the commitment talk right off the bat. He’ll probably need a couple of weeks to come back to reality, so keep it relatively easy breezy before you start asking about how many girls he boned and where you guys stand. Ease back into what you had before and just have fun and enjoy the time you have back with him. Hope this helps and let me know how this all unfolds.

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