What you need to hear and loving a gay man

June 13, 2011 11:47:08 Posted at June 13, 2011 11:47:08
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Written by Sasha

Hey Sasha, I met J in Vegas when he was on the outs with his then girlfriend (also my very good friend) 6 years ago (she is married to someone else, now). We all travel the US seeing this one band so I kept running into him in various places and we became pretty good friends. Fast forward a few more years and he ends up kind of long distance dating my roomie (more like hook-up buddies). Over the years I had been telling him to move down to my hometown because he is ready to make change from his childhood home. He moves down to my hometown fast forward another year and half, J and I have become BFF’s and then one day he looks at me with his puppy dog eyes and says “Why won’t you date me?” I had never thought about him like that until that very moment, well it all changed after that. And now we just “celebrated” our two year anniversary. I say “celebrated” because he is the most negative person I know. He called me at 4:30 to let me know he was headed to the bar. What about us??? Anytime I ask him to do something with me it is answered with a “No” – sometimes I end up getting a “Yes” after playing his game for days to weeks on end but the mind games I have to go through to get there are ridiculous. Take a wedding we are going to this weekend. It has been like pulling teeth to get him to agree to go with me. I also hear some insulting remark from him at least once a day that is usually followed up with “I was just kidding”. I used to be a very positive upbeat person and now I feel like he has rubbed off on me in the worst way. In addition to all this he lost his job about 3 months into us dating. He decided to go with Obama Care and rode that out. Well he still doesn’t have a conventional job, but he is bringing in money (use your imagination). I don’t know what to do anymore about this, but here is the thing it took me 35 years to even get a boyfriend and he is the one I ended up with. I should also explain that I don’t necessarily have low self-esteem, but I am overweight, so that has always been an issue. Not 300 lbs overweight but could definitely stand to lose about 50 lbs. He knew this when we started dating, but has not let up on it in our 2 years together, I'm the same size as when we started this thing. I've tried to talk to him about our issues, but he is not one to talk about things, when I do get him to open up (rarely) it makes me feel so much better b/c then I know what is going through his mind. I love him, and he comes from a very difficult background that I can’t even begin to understand, but I just want him to be happy and I guess I thought I could be the one to do it. Not sure if he is capable of happiness. I know what you are going to say…Thanks for your help!! – CSC

If there is one thing I can’t handle, it’s a supreme downer. Like those kinds of people make my skin itch. Another major pisser is people who say ‘just kidding’ after doling out an insult. I want to bitch slap those a-holes, because they either a) have the worst comedic timing ever or b) really meant the sh-tty thing they just said. Really, I have no time for suckers like that.

Here’s the deal, I’m sorry I’m dogging on your man, but the fact is the dude’s a buzz-kill and he’s making you unhappy. Sh-t CSC, you’ve only been with him for two years and it’s already this lame?! That’s not very promising for the years to come. And as I’ve said about a million times already, you can NEVER change someone. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, you will not ‘make” him happy.

Okay so CSC, ready to get real?

All of this is wrapped up in your own fear. You’re afraid of not finding another person, you’re afraid of all the inconvenience that comes from a split, you’re afraid of being a failure….and you’re afraid of being stuck for god-knows-how-long in an unsatisfying and unhappy relationship. That last one is the kicker, and the fact is, for you it should flat-out trump the other fears. Life is too f-cking short to be dragged down by your partner. And what I hate most about this situation is that his negativity is starting to rub off on you. Look, when you ask for less, you get less and I’d hate to see you shrivel up into someone you are not, just because you’re afraid to be alone.

So if I were you I’d jump ship. But if you’re still not ready to cut him loose then your only option is to give him a serious mother of an ultimatum. Sit his video game ass down and tell him he either signs on for couples counseling with you or you’re out. Basically dude need to buck up or f-ck off.

You knew this was going to be what I was going to say, so it’s time for you to take control of your own life. Keep me posted, okay?

About eight months ago, my husband “R” reconnected with one of his best college friends, “B”. B is now dating a new girl, “C.” We first met C out for dinner one night last September, and C seemed very nice and friendly.

Throughout the fall, my husband and I began hanging out with B and C frequently, and over time, C became less nice and friendly and more Hagish. She started railing on B out in public, in front of anyone and everyone in the restaurant/bar/etc., hatefully putting him down and actively trying to make him out to be a jerk. She would grandstand about anything she could think of, try and “out-do” everyone else’s story at the table—worst childhood experiences, brother/sister relationship, most extreme parent, etc. She made claims about her father beating her mother, but the next day would talk about how much she loved her dad and he could never hurt anyone. She was horribly jealous about B’s ex-wife, and threw fits when even junk mail came to their house addressed to her.

As it turned out, for her 22nd, B bought C a laptop, a car and an engagement ring. Here is where the real problem begins: last week, C asked me to lunch and asked me to be her maid of honor in her wedding I did say yes, because I am not one to make a scene in a crowded restaurant, and I was secretly hoping that by the time they set a date for the actual wedding, they’d be broken up. This past weekend, we saw them for B’s birthday dinner, and C got drunk and started talking about how much she hated her mother and her mother didn’t love her enough to be involved in her wedding, and I was going to have to do everything because if she found out her mother was involved at all, she’d call it all off. Since I know C’s mother, I knew everything C said was a complete fabrication, and having gotten married myself, I knew she’d be heartbroken if she wasn’t included. I tried to talk some sense into C about the entire situation, but she just wanted to be a petulant Hag and wouldn’t listen at all. I told all of this to my husband later, and as his prevailing opinion for the last few months has been that she’s a complete bitch, and he said, “Let’s just hope they break up.”

I am at a loss here. I don’t think I can get behind a wedding I fiercely believe should not happen, nor be a party to it. I know now that I should never have said yes, but I was backed into a corner and didn’t want one of her legendary tantrums to occur in a restaurant I frequent when at work. What should I do?A

While I think this situation sucks poo-gyna, sometimes you’ve gotta own up to the bad decisions you make in life. And saying yes to what might just be the most important moment in this crazy chick’s life was a bad decision on your part. BUT if it makes you feel any better, I totally would have done the same thing.

I remember Oprah (yes, sorry it’s another little Oprah-dote) used to talk about the power of saying NO, and how to avoid being sucked into saying YES out of guilt. Now, while that’s all fine and dandy in theory, sometimes saying NO is just not nice in practice.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think this girl sounds like a major liability and I don’t advise being friends with her after the wedding, but a part of me feels soooo bad for her, y’know? So A, it comes down to this. You have two choices right now and you have to pick the one that’s the lesser of two evils:

You can either pretend you’re playing Mother Theresa that day and be there for her out of charity, since she’s clearly unstable and alone.


You can call her up and say that while it was nice of her to ask you, you don’t think you are the right person for the job. If you choose this option be prepared to have a voodoo doll with your face on it.

Now, I know that a lot of people reading this right now are firmly planted on one side over the other. And that’s cool; I think either one can be faulted. Like, you either follow through with your word (brownie points) or you tell her the truth and bow out (brownie points).

But if was me, I’d pick the first option, because I think backing out on her is just a bit tacky at this point. It would have been one thing if you’d said yes and then took it back the next day, but you didn’t, so I feel pretty strongly that it’s your obligation to follow through on your word. I know she’s thrown a lot of hag-dem your way, but I still don’t think that warrants you leaving her high and dry. It just seems too cruel. So I say suck it up, do what you need to do and then wash your hands clean of her.

Dear Sasha, Wow I'm in trouble. For the past year I've been living in Vancouver on a study program with a group of other students. I started sharing a house with a fellow student who is a guy and who is gay. The problem is that even though I know that he's gay and therefore not interested in me, I've fallen completely head over heels for him. We spend all of our time together- going to classes, hanging out whenever we're not at school, and I keep finding that the more time we spend together the more I'm falling for him. We have a strange relationship- despite him being gay, he constantly flirts with me, wants to be around me, and I'm always catching him staring at me. I don't know how to explain it, but we just connect- we have the same sense of humor, the same interests, and though we're both quite reserved with most people, we aren't afraid to be honest with each other, and make fun of each other. Sadly, he's probably the one person I've been able to connect to most in my life so far (granted, I'm 20)- I just feel thingswith him that I've never felt with another guy before. The horrible part is that at the end of the study program we'll be going back to our respective countries so I probably won't see him again for a long time. The idea of this makes me incredibly sad, and frustrated at him for not wanting me in the same way that I want him. What do I do? – C

Sadly C, you don’t have many options - in fact you only have one: you have to stop pining for your friend, because it ain’t gonna happen. If he’s gay (and not bi) then that means he’s not switching teams, like, ever. You get that, right?

I understand that it must feel unfair that you’ve found such ease, comfort and chemistry with him, but you have to remind yourself that he isn’t the right one. To be ‘right’ for YOU, he needs to want to bump nasties with your vagina and that’s not his M.O.

Do I need to remind you of all the gay-straight relationships that have failed? Liza and David Gest, Star Jones and Al, Will and Grace, Kelly Preston and John Travolta….see how I snuck that one in?

Here’s the thing, I think this has a lot to do with your age. I can’t help but feel that you’re both using each other as a safety net. But this is the bright side for you. You’ve found a great person in your life - someone you can have sh-ts and giggles with and someone you can share emotions with. Amazing. So hold on to the friendship because those are rare. The other silver lining is this guy can set the bar you hold other men too. I’m not saying look for someone exactly like him, I’m saying find someone who makes you feel as good about yourself as he does. Look for those similar qualities when finding a partner and never compromise. What you see in him is what you should look for in your next relationship.

Hope this has helped! xx

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