Tough choices, bff breakups & the baby card
My marriage hasn't been good for going on 2 years. I haven't been happy. We live with her dad and we don't have much money and I don't see my bffs enough and I almost never get to visit my fam in Greece. I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore or if I just love her.... It's been bad. So bad that on Wednesday we got in a huge fight and it got physical and I'm hiding out at a friend's house with a black eye. I'm so confused... Greece and family... Continue to try with the wife...Stay with my friend and try to start a life on my own in Toronto?? It's been a hard and confusing week. Would appreciate any advice. M
M, I need to address the most pressing matter right now, which is that black eye of yours. No matter how f-cked up sh-t gets in a relationship, physical abuse is a deal breaker. The end. Move on. There is never a good excuse. Don’t look back. You deserve better. F-CK THAT.
I know you’re trying to make sense of all the push and pull in your life but right now your attention should be focused solely on one thing: breaking up. And I’m not taking this stance because it’s the politically correct one; I’m saying it because I believe that if you don’t have respect in a relationship, you might as well set fire to it. And M, if someone takes a swing at you; they straight up don’t respect you. Do I think they can be forgiven for their actions? Yes (eventually). But f-ck if I think you should stick around for when that time comes.
Let me digress for one second and talk about Chris Brown. By now you all know how Lainey feels about him. And while I too am beyond disgusted by his actions I don’t think he should be punished for the rest of his life. He deserves a second chance, I think everyone does. But having said that, the second chance shouldn’t be given to him by Rihanna. You get what I mean? So M, here’s hoping your girlfriend is able to work through these issues to become a better partner down the line… but to SOMEONE ELSE. When it comes to you and her - the damage is done. There are no pieces to be picked up from the wreckage.
I know it’s hard to step out of a situation when you’re knee deep in it but M, there is no question that this relationship has become far too toxic, so cut ties and move on. It will be hard, you’ll be lonely, you’ll second guess yourself, you’ll romanticize the past ….you’ll do all of this because you’ll think it is easier to fix it than to start over. But trust me; once you move on from her you’ll start remembering who you are again and the values and standards that you believed in before she came into your life. Aren’t you desperate for just some peace? Don’t you want that back again?
And I promise, once you start figuring out who you are without her all the other things will fall into place. You need a clear mind to plan a clear path to the future. Keep me posted!
Dear Sasha, Two days ago, I was woken up by very unpleasant news - a paralegal calling me for my address so that she could file it on a court order. Why? Because my best friend in the whole entire world and my former roommate did not pay rent for the last several months that we lived in our apartment together. I called the bff to see if this was some kind of mistake, but she assured me that it wasn't - and that she was only taking care of half of the tab, despite the fact that I had always paid my rent and was square with our landlord, because as she said, "I was on the hook" because of our lease.
I'm sure I don't have to describe the hurt and pain that I'm going through. We met through our sorority pledging during my second year of university, and lived together until we both graduated three years later. Our friendship was fantastic, although like any friendship, it had its difficult moments. I couldn't believe the 180 on the phone when she basically told me the other day that this was my problem and she had no issues with throwing me under the bus. What kind of a person does that? And how did I become susceptible to it?
So really, now, in this mess of confusion, I don't know where I stand. Because on the one hand, I'm angry - I can't believe that she screwed me like this and I don't want to take this lying down. Not only am I contemplating taking my best friend to court, but I now have to cut one of the most important people to me out of my life forever. Like previously mentioned, we're in the same sorority and we're still young enough that we occasionally show up at special events despite being alumni, and I dread having to see her there (although she probably won't show up).
I guess what I'm asking is this: when do the gloves come off? How do you let something like this go, when they were so important to you? - A
Ho Lee Sheet. That’s some low down dirty stuff not to mention mega cheap of this chick. I mean, it doesn’t make sense why she would flip on the crazy switch and let you hang out to dry. I don’t get it, and I guess the point is neither do you….
But here’s the thing, if you keep on questioning WHY you’re gonna need a straight jacket so right now you just need to deal with the problem at hand which is the court order. Now I don’t know how much we’re talking here but I’m going to guess it’s more than a few hundred bucks. But sh-t, no matter how many dollar bills are up for debate, I don’t think you should lie down and let her f-ck you in the face like this. If she has the balls to sell you out then you need to grow like, elephantiasis balls and stand your ground. This just comes down to principle, you know? For her to not pony up and take responsibility of her fair share is so LAME and if she doesn’t have the brain capacity to realize that, then you need to bring that to her attention…in court. It’s such a shame because this situation could have been easily remedied if she wasn’t so shady. If the issue was about money troubles then I’m sure as a good friend you guys would have worked something out. Or god, even if she just hadn’t been such a big bitch about it I’m sure the two of you could have dealt with it in a grown up matter. But I’m sorry to say, she just sounds like a sh-tty friend.
Now, when it comes down to the fate and future of the friendship, in my opinion, the damage is already done so whether or not you take her to court isn’t going to make a difference. No matter how you slice it, the next time you see her it’s going to be hella awkward. But she’s the one who created this mess so by no means should you be the one to feel sheep-ish around her. She’s the one who boned YOU big time.
A, this is going to be a hard one to get over but you’re just going to have to move on from this the best way you can.
My partner and I have been together for two years. The first time we had sex, before we did it, he told me it was his first time. I was really surprised because you don't really meet too many guys who aren't religious, aren't trying to save themselves, and have dated (women) who are virgins. Plus, he's handsome, athletic, outgoing--I had to stop myself from thinking, 'what's wrong with this guy' because it was something he was sensitive about and I tried generally to be patient and nonjudgmental about his performance and lack of experience. Add to this that I'm his first serious relationship, and there has been a learning curve in our sexual relationship, as well as in our relationship.
Here's a curve ball also--I'm five months pregnant. It was a surprise--I was on birth control and got pregnant anyways and we decided to have the baby together.
The other night, we got into a knock-down-drag out type argument over petty daily annoyances, but the argument built and built--he's the type to hold something in for ages and then when he finally says something, he explodes. He's saying hurtful things, I'm saying hurtful things--the gloves are off. I'm in tears, and he says something to me that completely cuts me to the core, and I respond with something I'm so ashamed of and absolutely regret saying--I said that if he wanted to make personal statements like that, then we should talk about his sexual performance and why he, after two years, doesn't seem to be able stop himself from premature ejaculation. That I thought I'd been patient, but that there's more to sex than just 'sticking it in' and getting off. I am seriously ashamed of myself. This ends the argument--he tells me I've ruined everything, we've both wasted our time with each other, and he will never be able to forget what I've said.
Fast forward two days, and I'm getting the silent treatment (we live together). We did talk this morning, and he can't forgive me, doesn't think he'll be able to have sex with me again, and can barely look at me.
Now, he did say some pretty terrible things himself, things which rancor still and which have now been completely overshadowed by that comment of mine. My question is, how do we move on from here? Is it possible? and what can I do to build his confidence, earn his trust and ease the pain of saying what I said? and supportive relationship, and I am afraid that it's been destroyed by this. Any advice you have would be much appreciated! --Guilty
Damn girl, that was harsh! And while I know your dude said some pretty hurtful things as well, it’s hard to speak to that because I don’t know what he actually said. However, I can only assume that because you don’t want to call it quits, like he does, what he said may have not been AS bad.
Either way it sounds like you both got to each other’s breaking point the other night. And as you now know, when it comes to your bf’s breaking point, it’s all about his dick. You not only cut him at his weakest point but you shat all over his manhood. Jeesh.
But I don’t think all is lost here because here’s the thing with big brawls: you always feel like it’s beyond repair but 9 times out of 10 that’s just not the case. I’ve had my fair share of fights where the last words are ‘this is over’….and guess what? It never is. When people fight, feelings are hurt and the first instinct is to protect yourself and flee. But if your relationship truly does have a good foundation then that usually saves it from a real split. However, that’s not to say there aren’t major scars left over and Guilty, this is where the work comes in.
Obviously buddy needs more cooling down time so give it a couple more days before you attempt to talk about it again. Use these days to sort out the best apology you can think of, which means you’re going to have to own up to all the horrible comments. At the same time I think it’s important to be honest that there was truth to what came out of your mouth. Express to him that while your sex life isn’t perfect you want to find fun ways to make it better. Tell him that you’re super attracted to him and that you love being with him and that you are dedicated to the relationship. Oh and if I were you I’d play the baby card too. Is it bad to use a baby as a pawn? I would really play up the fact that you guys are about to be a family and that during this emotional time you both need to work together to get through this rough patch. This conversation has to be positive and productive – it can’t go back to the mudslinging.
At this point I think that’s all you can do. From there it’s really up to him to figure out if he’s willing to accept your apology or not. If he does give the relationship another go - there’s still more work to come. G, get ready for a lifetime of blow jobs. But in all seriousness, you’ll have to really work to find that balance of making him feel confident again without being too obvious about it, ya know? And if after a while things still haven’t gotten better in the sack I think the next option is to see a sex counsellor. I know a few couples who have done this and while it’s totally embarrassing at first, it totally changed their lives.
So Guilty, I really hope this helps and whatever does happen I think the priority above all is to make sure that when that baby comes, it has a great set of parents no matter what.