Girl sh-t and high school
Written by Sasha
Hi Sasha, Do you have to convert to being a "girl's girl" to make female friends? I've always been more comfortable around men, because you can be yourself and they won't shun you for no reason. I've tried over the years, but each time I say/do something "not cool" and get frozen out so I gave up. To this day I don't understand why was it not okay to flirt or hookup with a guy when he was single and I was single? Why was it not okay to try stand-up on open mic night, or eat three desserts or wear see-through pants?
I'm an adult now, and married, so I don't flirt with anyone except my husband and certainly have accepted that opaque clothing is best for a variety of reasons. I would be interested in making female friends. I am a genuinely nice person and a sympathetic listener, but I simply can't bear to "share". I would never discuss my husband's flaws, my bad highlights experience or my annoyances with my boss. With anyone! I just don't have an emotional need to hash out feelings. JS.
JS, have you seen Bridesmaids yet? If not, you definitely should. Not only is it freaking funny, but in the past when I’ve talked about how important it is to find bitches for life, it’s THESE kinds of bitches I’m talking about.
To me, the movie is the perfect example of what great friendships - in all their dysfunction - are all about. Like, when did female relationships have to be some corny menstrual ad where we all talk about if we use regular or super tampons?
There’s a scene at the beginning of the movie where Kristen and Maya’s characters talk about face-dodging a sloppy dick. I was obviously hooked from that moment on because, please, these are the funny things that friendships are made of. If you can’t talk about DICKS - the ones that pester our backs in the early mornings and the ones that break our hearts - then who can you talk about these things with?
What’s wrong with sharing? And why does that mean it’s pathetic or weak?
Sure, there are people (women AND men) who are annoying emotional saps, but for the most part the women I know aren’t emotional vacuums. Sure, I need to vent about petty someone-hurt-my-feelings crap a lot of the time, but I also really like busting a nut, talking about how the world is ending, and why I all of a sudden like Roseanne Barr. (Read her NYT article if you have a chance.)
So JS, I don’t know if your problem is about sharing with women per se, as much as it is about your ability to ‘share’ with anyone. When you say “I just don’t have an emotional need to hash out feelings” - that’s a problem. Everyone needs to do that. You can’t always be the one to manage your own emotions and feelings - that’s not healthy.
That’s where friends come in. You don’t have to have a whole gaggle of girls, but you should have at least one woman in your life that you trust enough to open up to.
And as we get older some people choose not to share every nitty gritty detail about their life with their friends, and that’s fair enough; but what’s wrong with telling a friend you had an awful hack job at the hairdresser, or that your boss is an incompetent loser?
Without coming off like a total hippy… it’s all about a vibe. You might want to take a step back and think about what vibe you’re putting out there, because if you’re coming off closed off, then who the hell is going to be enticed by that? So my advice is try opening yourself up, because that’s the key to forming and developing any sort of relationship. In order to get to know people, you need to offer up some meaningful personal goods. So yes, talking about your hairdresser can just be a funny anecdote that will lead to other things. You get what I mean?
It’s just about offering up a little bit of you so that the other person can do the same. I promise you this is not only good for your social growth but your own personal growth.
I need to call one of my best girl friends out on her sh*t and it's a rather sensitive topic. To give background: she had an eating disorder about 10 years ago, has since been through therapy and is able to recognize her own behaviour and deals with it well, though I can tell it's sometimes still a struggle. My background is that I'm someone who's always been heavier (I'm not talking about losing a 10 pounds or trying to be a size six- a few years ago I could've been a contender for The Biggest Loser.) So in the past couple of years, I've made changes to my diet and habits for the better. I'll admit that some of it isn't the most mainstream way of going about it (I do a lot more strength training and lifting than most women, and my diet is based more on portioning than on calories in vs. calories out or points,) but it's all stuff that has been ok'ed by my doc and I have a trainer and I'm not doing anything drastic or unsafe. And I love it. I love that I'm so strong and I'm working my *ss off and I love that I look a lot like Christina Hendricks all of a sudden.
My friend doesn't. She doesn't see how anything can be "healthy" without having a runner's regiment. It's to the point where it's kind of belittling to me. I've tried not broaching the subject, but she tends to go on and on about how her "right" way of doing things isn't working for her. If it were any of my other girls, I would've called them on this long ago. But this subject is so sensitive; I don't know how to even broach it with her for fear of bringing up some nasty stuff for her. The last thing I would want is to put her back where she was 10 years ago. Any ideas as to how to get her off my back without being insensitive?
First off, congratulations on the weight loss – that is AMAZING! Now, to the subject of your friend. Jeesh, that’s pretty annoying.
Here are my initial thoughts. I know this might not sound nice, but it’s quite possible that your friend is actually just not all that happy for you. And dare I say a tad jealous. I was actually talking to one of my best friends the other night. A few years ago she lost a sh-t tonne of weight over the course of a year and as soon as everybody started seeing a difference, people started throwing around the ‘eating disorder’ thing. Like, they couldn’t just believe that she was just eating or exercising better…she HAD to be starving herself. And I admit it totally crossed my mind too. That was sh-tty of me.
Sometimes we like to only think of our friend in one way and if they don’t stick to that exact shape and form, literally, that throws us off of our game. It messes with the social equilibrium. So this could be what’s going on here.
She could just be a know-it-all, and now that you’ve entered her ‘territory’ of all things food and health related she feels like dropping her two cents at every turn. Whatever the case may be, the fact remains it’s not supportive no matter how you slice it. And you need to tell her that.
Look, I don’t even want to touch the fact that she had an eating disorder, because frankly I don’t think that has anything to do with being a good friend. Just because she was anorexic or bulimic doesn’t give her a free pass to be insensitive. So in my mind, her past is not a factor. Common friend rules, like being supportive and kind, apply across the board.
So K, this is simple to me. The next time she drops an annoying comment just tell her how you feel – exactly the way you’d say it to any of your other girls. Just tell her that you know she doesn’t mean to come off this way, but you’ve been really working hard at this and you don’t feel any support coming your way. That you’re doing what’s right for you and that is all that matters and you’d like her to ease off. The end. You don’t have to come off bitchy and it doesn’t have to be a big f-cking deal. Just tell her how you feel. So nip that sucker in the bud, give her a hug and tell her you’d love to go workout with her.
Hope this helps and please keep me posted!
Hi Sasha! There’s this guy I’ve known for 7 years (I am 20 now, as is he, so expect a bit of teen idiocy). We met in high school, but we were in different classes. We’ve never been part of the exact same group of friends, though we have a couple of mutual friends. He was the popular kid. I was the geeky girl that hung out with the group of popular girls in my class. I mean, I was kind of cool, but never really “prom queen material”.
Last year, we had a birthday party of one of our mutual friends. We were in a house and he ended up almost having sex with my best friend, who was super drunk and now can’t even remember what happened. Did I mention he got REALLY hot too? Thing is, he didn’t take advantage of my friend, she practically gave herself away. Also, that night I was a sobbing drunk, so he really did say some nice things to me, and quite seriously, so that was a first.
5 months later I go out with two friends, and we end up all meeting at a club. He starts flirting, but he’s never been really serious, so I play along. Things DO get serious later, and I think “what the hell” and we end up making out and together the entire night. Thing is, when we were making out, my heart started beating super fast, like, faster than with any other guy I ever made out with. And I like it. Following week, his birthday party. We all go, my friends and I. He’s super drunk. He says hi by kissing me. On the lips. Doing the hands-on-the-back-of-the-head thing that drives me crazy, super sweet. Anyway, during the night he did flirt with other girls, not gonna lie, but he still kissed me a couple of times (super quick, no real make out) and I acted all like “no big deal”. I can’t stop thinking of him ever since. But then I remember what happened with my friend, and how he’s a player and would practically f-ck any girl that came his way, and that I’m not really his type of girl (he’s always been with the super hot popular ones), I mean, I know I have that latina fierceness and sexiness, but I don’t trust myself enough to be confident about it. Please, what should I do? MB.
This letter transported me back to my high-school days. God, I was certifiably boy crazy, and damn MB, there’s really nothing sweeter then finally getting to bag the hot boy!
The way I see it, the main problem is that you haven’t accepted your true dopeness. You’re second guessing yourself at every turn, so you need to stop doing that pronto. Look, I’m all for being humble, but I also believe in confidence.
What you’ve got to move past is that high-school mentality…where only the hot cheerleader gets the hot football player. As you get older, MB, you’ll realize that’s not always the case. Sometimes the hot guy isn’t a total dumbass and he might be looking for substance. Right? Because then how would you explain Josh Duhamel and Fergie or Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel and the best one of all Jordan Catalano and Angela Chase?!
In all honesty, I don’t know if this dude is playing you or if he actually wants something more, but what IS apparent is that he likes you. That shouldn’t be so hard to believe. To what extent, I can’t say, but obviously enough to drop some PDA action, and to attempt to get to know you better. Those are all good things.
Here’s the thing. We all seem to carry these ghosts of high-school interaction, but as you get older MB, you realize that it isn’t the template for life. (Lainey: what?!??) What you were or what category you were slotted in in the social hierarchy isn’t your defining moment. Ya dig?
So, having said that, I think you should continue to have some fun and see where this goes. But as soon as it starts to get unpleasant, unhealthy or just un-fun then count your losses and bounce. I would hate to see your heart get broken, but heart-break can sometimes be a good thing. It teaches you what you want and what you don’t, and it’s also just the flow of life. Sometimes taking a risk on someone can pay off in the end, but you’ll never know until you try.
So what to do in the meantime….I wouldn’t try and lay down any slick new moves, because I think part of your appeal is that you’re just being you, and I suspect this is what he likes. As soon as you start ‘trying’ your game will go to sh-t. So just sit back, let that Latina J-LO ooze out, and see where this all leads. And the next time those ‘I’m not good enough’ feelings come creeping back up tell them to shut the f-ck up.