Dating site fake-out, style thief, & dream jobs
Written by Sasha
Hey! Thanks again for all the questions and comments – keep them coming. I know this first question is hella long but it’s a good read so don’t be scared by the length. S.xx
Sasha. I have gotten myself into a situation that I don't know how to deal with regarding a particular guy. We met just over a year ago and as soon as I saw him it was one of those instant attractions. After the first month, we talked and I told him that I really liked him but that I wasn't looking for anything serious, a 'summer fling', if you will. At this point we have talked about recent relationship history and he's told me that he's afraid of commitment because when he was in high school, and the next few years after that, he had a history of cheating on his girlfriends and wanted to make sure that if he got into a relationship he would be at a point in his life where he wasn't going to do that.
I appreciated his honesty and it seemed like we wanted the same thing - "friends with benefits." Over the next few months we ended up hanging out more often, and sometimes we would just go out and not end up sleeping together. By the beginning of the fall I knew that after spending so much time with him I was starting to have feelings, and although I wasn't ready for a commitment, I was hoping that maybe he had similar feelings and that maybe one day we could head in that direction, but I knew, given his past that giving some type of ultimatum would work against me. When I went to have this conversation he surprised me with the news that an opportunity had come up for him to move out of province and work for the next 5-7 months. I didn't say anything I wanted to, rather I got upset, and he ended up saying that he "was no longer interested, anyway." I was hurt, but again, if he really wasn't interested I appreciated him not leading me on that things were going to someday go somewhere while he was away.
Now, he's home. We've seen each other a few times, but it's always when we've been drinking and one of us wants to hook-up. The problem is, when I'm with him I have this feeling of just being calm, and relaxed, and I feel like I can tell him anything, and he reciprocates. And now I want more, it’s been a year and I'm ready to be the kind of person who isn't selfish and wants to have and support a partner. I've tried to tell him I would like us to go out, or hang out (so that we can talk), but he keeps saying that his work schedule is very busy, he has plans with friends, etc. Since I am the same way, a full time student working full time with lots of friends of my own, I've been ok with that.
Until last weekend when he made some comment about a dating website he was on. I knew I had to talk to him right away. I ended up chickening out and instead created a profile of my own (without pictures) and started messaging him on the website. He lists himself as "looking for a relationship", and everything that he wants out of a relationship I have wanted to tell him that I want too. So, genius that I am, I start messaging him on the website late one night, asking him about his life, and vice versa. I am honest about everything I say, except of course, I give no name or photo. It gets to the point where he says that I seem to have lots in common with him, he likes my sense of humour, I seem to be a "good" girl. Signs off by saying he can't wait to meet me and would like to see some pictures. Now, my real self sends him a message to his phone, telling him that I would really love to see him this week cause it has been so long. No response.
Now I'm in a position where I'm jealous that my fake self is hearing all of the nice things that my real self wanted to hear the guy I like say, but we never had the chance. I realize that this kind of manipulation is very juvenile. Should I just suck it up and admit that he's not that into me, cut off all contact, and move on? I'm having trouble with this option because I feel like there's just so many things I want to say to him, and I have no idea if he's still thinking I am the same person I was when we met who couldn't handle any commitment.
I don't know what to do now because clearly asking him to go out so that we can talk has been unsuccessful; do I send him a message? I don't want to seem desperate but I just don't want be wondering "what if". J
Good god, this story gets more convoluted at every turn so J, I’m going to get right to it. But be warned - some tough love is on the way.
One of the most frustrating things is when I see a woman making excuses for a man’s bad behaviour. I can’t tell you how infuriating it is. For real J, what more does this guy need to do and say to express he does not want a relationship with you. And please don’t say ‘you’re okay with it’ because sister, you’re straight up lying to yourself.
Look, I’m not saying you’re not awesome, but the bottom line is buddy doesn’t see you for anything more than a fun romp. I’m sure he respects you to a certain extent and finds you nice enough to stick his dick into you on the regular, but if you’re looking for something more meaningful – dream on. To hear you brush off his actions like they don’t bother you is I’m sorry, a whack o’ shit. If you weren’t hurt then there’s no way you’d be going to these lengths.
Let’s be very clear here: if this guy is trolling for women on a dating site, he is not invested in any sort of relationship with you. J, my intention is just for you to understand that this is a big waste of emotional effort on someone who’s not worth it.
This brings me to you signing onto this dating site anonymously. Sh-t, I don’t even know where to start. Listen, I know we can all do some whacked out stuff from time to time, but girl, you need to cease and desist. If the reason you went on the site was to see what he was up to, well then, you’ve figured it out, so move on.
You need to snap out of this situation and realize that you’re way too good to be treated like this. Trust me when I tell you that when a guy really likes you, IT’S NOT THIS HARD. And most importantly, it shouldn’t feel this bad. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m sure you’ll admit that none of this makes you feel good. Right? You shouldn’t be trying to trick this guy into liking you and you shouldn’t be begging for a date. So J, cut this guy out of your life STAT.
Now one more tip – and this one is important. Once you cut it off with homeboy, trust me he’ll come knockin’ again. BUT THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE LIKES YOU. It just means he’s horny and wants your attention –please don’t buy in to it. Got it? Good.
So we moved into our place a few years ago and I have this neighbour who has been ripping off my steez. Item by item she is matching my closet and it is making me INSANE. Thing is, she never gives me credit. She walks around like she owns it and then I'm left looking like I'm copying HER! I've started retiring certain clothes that she's taken over. I guess I should be flattered and I would be if it was just an item here and there but every new thing she comes out in is something ripped from my closet! It's gotten to the point where I am trying to hide from her whenever I need to step out. I'm actually making an effort to "be seen" by people in my stuff before she is. Now that's crazy! and I know it! She even does it with our kids - matching her kid's clothes, toys and activities with what mine is wearing or doing. Whenever she pops over her eyes scan rapidly around, even while we talk. I realize now it's so she can steal ideas. How do I handle this? I hate myself for caring but I do. Help! Married Asian Female
MAF, I’ve gotta this really made me laugh lots, but if I were you I’d be super pissed too. It’s one thing if she’s copped a few items, but girl is straight up Single White Female-ing your closet and that’s not cool.
I work in an office full of women who love to shop and through osmosis we often end up buying the same things. But there are always a few unspoken rules. I think that owning similar jeans and t-shirts is fair game but if you start ripping off identical ‘special’ items like coats, heels, unique blouses etc….then things start to get shady. Of course people are allowed to buy whatever they want and Jesus, every glossy has a ‘who wore it best’ column, but if you’re stealing someone’s personal style, that’s weak.
So MAF, what to do?
1. Don’t tell her what stores you shop at
2. Shop on-line – it will be much harder for her to figure out where you bought certain pieces from
3. Hit up vintage stores for unique items and one-offs
4. Finally, call her on it – say something like ie. “hmm, it’s like you’re stalking my style”
Beyond this, there’s not much else you can do. Sure, it’s going to take extra effort on your part, but if you want her to stop doppelgang-ing your ass, these are your only options.
Dear Sasha, I’m 30 years old and looking to overhaul my career. I’ve been working at a company going on 5 years that doesn’t offer much opportunity for growth, and frankly isn’t an industry I would want to stay in any way. So it’s time to get out. But, I don’t want to just leave my current job and just “work” someplace else and waste another 5 years. I'd like to find what I want to dedicate myself to as a career for the rest of my life. The problem lies in that, I just don’t know what my passion is, what I may be good at, or that ever elusive question, "what is my life’s purpose?" I need some help. I want to find that thing that’s for me, and if I need to start at the bottom, or go back to school for it, I don’t mind, I just need some direction of where to start. How does one go about figuring out what they wanna be when they grow up, once they’re already grown up?
Thank you so much for any advice you can give me!-J
J, the purpose of life? Damn, really? This is definitely a complicated question, but I’ll try my best to steer you in the right direction.
Here’s the dilly: of course there are some people who are lucky enough to have been born with a tangible gift which they discovered early on. ie. A beautiful voice, cooking skills, a great artist etc. But for the rest of us, discovering that gift or talent can sometimes be a long ass journey. And the only way to get ‘there’ is by taking risks and being okay with making mistakes along the way.
Take Gwyneth Paltrow –girl is making sh-t happen. Sure, the money and fame helps, but at the core of it, Gwyneth, believes in herself. She believes she’s a foodie who can write a cook book, she believes that her style is so enviable you want to copy it, she believes her voice is Grammy performance worthy…the list goes on.
And let’s get real, she hasn’t been ‘successful’ in all departments, but at least she’s taking risks. And you know what? She’s never going to look back on her life with regret ...so maybe the joke’s on us.
This advice column was a dream of mine for a long time. It was something I always wanted to do but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. I was terrified that people would laugh at my dream (which they did), tell me it wasn’t a good idea (which they did)…and it was this negative talk that rattled in my head for years. But my mom always taught me to dream, so I knew I had to take a stab at it and take a RISK or else I’d always regret it.
The reason I’m telling you all of this is because I think if you are really honest with yourself you’ll be able to tell me what you’ve always secretly DREAMED of doing. There’s gotta be that one thing that you’ve constantly pushed down, the one thing you’ve told yourself ‘that’s so stupid, I can’t do that’. Right?
J, it’s all about letting go of the fear, because as soon as you do things will start to become clearer.
Now if you’re reading this and are still hearing crickets then it is quite possible your ‘dream’ isn’t quite so obvious yet. And if that’s the case I think it’s time to mix things up.
My first suggestion would be to crack open a book and jolt your spirit a bit. Hit up Amazon.com - there are tons of great books out there on just this subject! And lord knows you can’t go wrong with anything Oprah endorsed. Point is, this would be a good starting point and it can give you the motivational boost you’re looking for.
Next, start researching some classes (cooking, painting, dancing) that interest you or try volunteering with local charities – just find something that will get you out of your comfort zone. At the very least, these things will make you feel creative and productive, and they’re sure to open some doors to areas that you didn’t even know existed.
Another thing you need to do is to sit down and brainstorm with your close friends. They might have some great insights as to what your best qualities are and what you’re really good at.
Finally, get a pen and paper and write down a list of 10 things you LOVE to do. This is a super effective way to get your stream of consciousness going.
Start actively searching for what makes you happy, because you and I both know it’s not going to happen on its own. Writing to me was a great first step, so you’re on your way! Open yourself up, set fear aside, take some risks, and go for it! And please keep me posted!