Being careful, walking away, and Van Wilder
Written by Sasha
Hey Sasha! I've met this guy in my Italian class that I really, really liked, let's call him Allan. We got on really well and before soon after we were talking on the phone all night, we totally clicked, we could talk for hours, he made me laugh. We didn't start going out right away, we kept it friendly in the beginning. He met my friends and they loved him, I met his and had a blast, it all seemed too good to be true. However, the proverbial bomb he dropped on me leaves me very conflicted.
The last time Allan came over, he ended up staying really long, we stayed up talking and I casually asked him what was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. I expected him to talk about something along the lines of falk dancing or waxing certain body parts. But he confessed, that the biggest mistake he ever made was hitting his ex girlfriend once. He said they were in a horrible (verbal) fight, he wanted to leave, but before he could get out the door she grabbed him and hit him. He said he reacted almost as if by reflex and hit her back, he said it wasn't a hard blow, but he struck her nonetheless. He says he doesn't hide it, because that was the only time and he knows how wrong was what he did and that he hasn't done it since and never will again. He really did seem ashamed of it. I really don't know what to do, because I like this guy so much, but I'm having a hard time with this. What should I do? HELP! Thanks,Prettyinprada
Whoa. This is a very complicated situation, PIP. And with all this Chris Brown hoopla, jeesh, it makes you wonder if people can actually change. However, if you read my post last week you’d know that I do believe in second chances. Although I have to say it takes a VERY strong person to make those changes. The reality is that the majority of people who abuse aren’t new to the whole thing - they’ve either seen it growing up or they’ve been abused themselves. Either way the common denominator is the same – deep rooted issues. And it takes a really dedicated and mature human being to dig those issues up and face them.
As Lainey has pointed out many times, this is where Chris Brown fails; dude has still yet to truly accept what he did and apologize. In this day and age of Hollywood f-ckery where everything is forgiven, how the hell is CB still f-cking his sh-t up? He must be rolling with the bunkest, most incompetent PR team on the planet! Sh-t, even Kramer had a better PR team behind him after all those racist rants, so how in the crazy can Chris Brown’s people not even get him to pretend he’s sorry. Ugh.
But back to your situation, PIP. If the question is: should you be hesitant? Hellz yah, you should. I think anyone would have a hard time digesting this information. But having said that, I think the ray of light in all of this is that Allan was not only upfront about his past, but very open about how WRONG his actions were. To me he sounds like he’s not only recognized his giant mistake but he’s owned it. So I have to give him major props for that.
So what to do now?
I think you should take this relationship slow and tread a bit more carefully than you normally would. Really get to know him before you give him your heart (mind the cheese). Have you fought yet? Because it’s all good now until he gets upset. Do you know what he’s like when he loses his temper? The most important thing I need you to do is make one promise to yourself: be mindful of his temper, how he deals when he’s upset. Do not brush it aside if you feel uncomfortable with his reactions. When the bad sh-t comes, you won’t know until it happens. And sometimes it might be too late. And I’d rather you see the signs for yourself, IF they are there. Also… have you told any of your friends about this? Your best friends? I know it might be something that’s hard to reveal, but as a protection for yourself, I think this is important. Sometimes our friends can see things before we do. A friend’s instinct can be very sharp. A true friend wouldn’t judge you in this case. She’d just look out for you. And she would tell you to be very careful, and she’d make it known to him too that there are people who have your back. Is it unfair to him? Maybe a little in the sense that he has to prove himself. But this is what happens when we make mistakes and own up to them. We have to buy into the fact that that mistake will mean that we have to work to earn trust. Life has consequences. If he is truly remorseful in his revelation about his past, he should understand this. Besides, while we’re on the subject of unfair, unfair is what a victim ultimately feels. I don’t ever want you to be a victim. In the long run, if this all works out, and you give him a chance without compromising yourself, it’ll make the relationship stronger anyway. Let me know how it goes.
I have been married for 17 years to a guy who I was completely and totally in love with......until I found out that he'd been trying to 'get frisky' with my best friend. Again. Now, first here's some dirty deets - about 20 years ago, before he & I got married all 3 of us had one crazy night together. He had asked me before and since alcohol was a factor that night, I finally gave in (against my better judgement, but I was curious too). Ground rules were set, and then promptly broken - by him. I said 'never again' but it took some time to forget. Fast forward to about 10 years ago, and my friend (who we still see all the time) confesses to me that he's been trying to get funky with her. On one occasion, she was sleeping over at our house and he came on to her while I slept in our bed upstairs! F-ck me, it still sounds bad 10 years later. He cried, swore he'd never do it again. Took years for me to get over it, but I wanted our kids (we have 4) to have both parents and I kinda gave him a pass due to past history. So, about 4 years and a lot of work later we got to a place I never thought we'd be, which was totally and completely in sync. We were closer than ever and I was looking forward to spending even more time with him as our kids got older & moved out. Then about a year ago she told me he'd done it again. Now, it was 'only a quick feel' (his words) but needless to say, it just about destroyed me since I had totally invested my heart in the relationship again. How could he do that? So yet again, I agreed to try to work it out but it's not good. He is so attentive, more so than ever before but now it just pisses me off. All those years I basically worshiped him and he screwed me over! We own a house, still have our 2 youngest (21 & 16) living at home and I want to leave but I have no idea what to do. I've broached the subject of us separating with the kids and now they're upset with me. I haven't told them about all this, obviously, because the woman is their "Auntie" you know? But I don't want all the blame on my shoulders when I'm not the one who screwed it all up! How can I make them understand? Should I tell them he was unfaithful? I still care about him and don't want to hurt him or his relationship with the kids, even though he hasn't shown me the same consideration. I tell you, it's a cluster f*ck! Please, I desperately need some unbiased advice before I find a nice big bottle of vodka to crawl into!
This is definitely a sh-t storm, so I’m going to jump right on in. The main concern for me right now is that you've planted the separation seed into your kid’s minds, and this is questionable if there's no follow-through on your part. If you go back on your word, that’s a major blunder, because not only have you devastated them with the fact that your relationship is in the sh-ts but you’ve totally confused them if you stay with him. So I hope that this separation is indeed something you’re going through with. If it is, then I 100% back your decision.
The reason I agree with your decision to leave his ass is because I don’t think he has the ability to be faithful to you anymore. And here’s why. Copping a ‘quick feel’ or getting ‘frisky’ with your friend is all him just testing the waters. Don’t think for a moment if she was to bite on his advances, his dick wouldn’t be out in a flash. No question. The only reason why he hasn’t full blown bagged her is because she hasn’t let him.
Buddy bit the forbidden fruit and he liked it a wholeeeee lot. And unfortunately now, you’re not enough for him. Sad but true. So yah, I would be kicking his ass to the curb too.
Now this is where I get really judgy. I think ‘open relationships’ or even ‘one-offs’ are the biggest crock of sh-t ever. Why couples want to set themselves up for failure, I will never understand. And ya, I get that it’s some fun freaky-deaky sh-t that people get off on in the moment, but that’s as long as it lasts - a moment. The bottom line is there’s always that one person who’s not as into it; who feels a bit forced into it. The thing is, I’ve heard this story way too many times and it always ends the same way. So AA, yes, I hope you do leave him. That is unless you think you can suck this sh-t up for another 20 years.
As for what to do with your children: No need to get into the nitty gritty with them; but that doesn’t mean you have to pretend like nothing is wrong either. If I were you I’d just tell them that the two of you have some issues that are sadly unrepairable, and out of respect for their father you will not say anything more. Of course empathize with them, and acknowledge that this is a really sad, hard and confusing time but emphasize that you all need to support each other and get through it. Also let them know that whenever they need to talk, cry or yell, you will be there to listen. When my parents split my mom kept me very sheltered from the details. And I’m sure that was hard for her, because much like you I’m sure she wanted to unleash all her disappointment, but she didn’t, and nor should you. Of course, later on we were able to talk about it, but that wasn’t until much later. So I say vent to anyone else but them.
Listen, this is going to be a really trying time, you’re going to feel like you’re being tested at every corner, but remember you have every right to be happy.
Keep me posted and write me if you need someone to vent to.
Flashback to 2 yrs ago. I walk into a "place of business" (I don't want to say) that I'd been to before but not regularly. I'm standing in line and this guy asks me if I need some help. I say no I just have the one thing to do, I'm fine. He's persistent. So I follow him because, well, the guy looked bored. I sit down and really look at him. he's not my usual type but attractive. Cut to 1 1/2 hrs later. I know that we grew up in the same general area. Two different schools and situations but same part of town. Like me, he couldn't wait to get the hell out of high school because of his "problems" (he didn't say) and people. A few years after that he got a visa and worked and live in Australia for a few years but came back broke because he spent it all partying. He knew that I went to community college after high school because I didn't know what I wanted to do but eventually got my BA. That I had a car accident that derailed my dreams entirely. After recovering, I'd run away to NYC a few years before but came back broke because it's NYC. That I had just been laid off and was now currently taking care of my own squawking chicken. He was working at this job that he had no interest in beyond a means to get away from home again. Both of us wishing we had the means to travel more. After this, I never saw him again when I went to this POB. I figured he had found his way out.
Last week, I walk back into the POB. I need help, a lot of it. I ask him can he help me. Of course he can. The whole time sitting there I'm thinking he looks so familiar. I knew I'd seen him before but I couldn't place him. Just before I left I asked him what his middle initial stood for. He told me. Then I remembered him. He had told me the same story before. He also said that because he lives on the other side of town now, he is transferring to another office in 2weeks. Now other side of town may not mean much in some places but in LA that's literally 20 miles or more which could be a 30min to 2+hr drive. I have a friend that lives 5 miles away that I never see. Basically, I most likely will never see him again. So, yeah.
Now, I have let other guys go before who I thought I could have had something with, for various reasons. I don't really know THAT much about "POB". I don't know if he remembers me. If it mattered at all or was I just another face in the crowd? He could have a girlfriend! He could be gay! I usually have excellent gaydar but I'm completely off with this guy. I'm stereotyping, I know but he did have better nails than I do right now. Yet he did wear the same suit two days in a row. He could just need to do his laundry and pick up his dry cleaning. I don't have one gay friend who does that. Ever! In fact they were grossed out when I told them that. I refuse to go in there with my friend as if I'm in middle school so...I don't know what to do.
Should I chalk this up to one of those awesome moments in life that you think about just before you die? Or walk right back in there tomorrow morning, paper in hand with my number on it and say "Call Me...great if you do, if you don't fine.".
Or have I been entirely too jaded by the world and I'm reading far too much into good customer service? I have now less than 2 weeks to decide. Stunted
Good god that was a novel.
Stunted, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve obviously thought a lot about this situation, so I’m not going waste any more time because the answer is super simple:
March your ass in there tomorrow and slide him a note with your digits.
You have absolutely nothing to lose. And it would be a big ass shame if you didn’t seize the moment – this is what life is all about. As long as you go in there knowing there’s the possibility of him being totally uninterested, then you’re all good. If he calls - amazing. If he doesn’t - who gives a sh-t. Either way you HAVE to do it!
Okay I’m about to tell you one of the most embarrassing stories of my life. I’ve actually never told anyone this and fyi… I’m totally blushing right now. Flash back 8 years ago. I’m living in London and I’ve been assigned a junket interview with Ryan Reynolds for Van Wilder (2 hours of my life that I can never get back). So I call up one of my friends from back home, who’s tight with Ryan, to tell him to tell Ryan that I’m interviewing him. That way I’d be sure to get a good interview. Okay, so cut to the day of the interview. I sit down in the hotel room across from Ryan, we small talk about said mutual friend, why I’m living here, blah blah blah. Interview goes well. We say our goodbyes; I walk out of the interview room - the end. Now, I’m single at this point in my life and Ryan is a hot piece of ass so I’m thinking ‘damn, should I give him my number? We actually just shared some good chemistry, right?’ After a few minutes of self-doubt, I give myself a really good pep talk, hold my breath and scribble down my number with a note about getting drinks after he’s done and then give it to him.
Oh. My. God. I’m. Cringing.
I mean, do I even have to tell you what happened? He didn’t call. And to add insult to injury he called my friend and told him that I tried to pick him up! Embarrassing, right? So ya, Stunted I got d-d-d-dissed and although I suffered major embarrassment for a week, I would never take it back. It was one of the very few times in my life that I just did something spontaneous and sure, I failed miserably, but f-ck, at least I gave it a go. So you need to give it a go too. I just hope you have better luck than me! xx
(Lainey – WOAH. What??? You wouldn’t let Colin Farrell up in your face and you slipped your number to Ryan Reynolds??? It’s the Vancouver surfer boy thing, isn’t it?)