Toxic friend, in a pussy cloud, white to a wedding
Hi Sasha, This is a long and complicated story, but I'm hoping you can help me sort it out. Last summer I became good friends with a girl I work with - our interests are strikingly, scarily similar. We got along great and we hung out all the time outside of work. In September her aunt passed away and I was there for her from the get go, anything she needed, I was there. I'm a hugely caring person, and my heart went out to her. Me though, I had been battling depression for the past 4 years. I had been off and on pills to help with it and in September I finally had enough and decided to go see a therapist. This friend, she was crazy supportive when she found out what I was doing to help myself. I had gotten quite good at hiding how unhappy I was at work, and most people had absolutely no idea. Well with both her aunt passing and my working on myself, we became extremely close. I worked really hard and got really healthy and happy, and come February, I was sparkly and happy, not cured, but learning to love myself - everything was damn good in my life and I was starting my practicum for teaching, which just made me even happier. Then a mutual friend of ours, let's call her Toxic, starts spewing crap behind my back, on facebook etc. She told one of my coworkers that I was just faking depression because she 'is depressed and since I am she can't be'. To me, it sounds like extreme jealousy that I did something about it, but that's beside the point. I get super stressed from teaching and have less time for my friend, she starts spending more time with Toxic and not too long later starts saying hurtful things to me, and believing what Toxic is saying. Now everything I do is wrong in some shape or form. I've accomplished so much this past year, and she can't be bothered to even be happy for me. The part that kills me is Toxic has done this before - drove a wedge between my friend and her other friends. She just never sees it, and I'm left missing my wonderful friend, and I'm feeling more and more unhappy. Should I just cut my losses and try and let it go? Or should I wait it out and see if my friend will wake up? M
Damn, if she can be that easily swayed after all she’s seen you go through…then yes, as sad as it may be, it’s time to let go.
Here’s what’s really important: your happiness. You know this better than most people, M. And you’ve got to keep reminding yourself WHY you put in all the hard emotional work in the first place. You know? The pay off was to feel the way you do now - positive and healthy – so to have someone f-ck with that is not cool. I know a few people who have struggled with depression and the fact that you were able to pull yourself out of some knee deep sh-t is nothing short of f-cking amazing. So please not only remember that, but keep continuing to put in the work.
Now, I’m about to get a bit Opes on your ass but I promise to make it quick so listen up. You’ve got to think about this situation in the following way: she was in your life for a reason. I know you want to throw a steaming bag of dog shit at my face for that cheese, but wait, let me finish. While she may prove to not be a long lasting friend, you still have to give her props for getting you through that rough time. I think we can agree you couldn’t have done it without her, right? And for that, I think you should thank her. And while I’m sure it hurts to have her turn on you the way she has, looking at the situation with gratitude will hopefully dull the pain.
Right now I think you need to concentrate on building a network of positive, supportive people. So moving forward, if you even get the slightest sniff that someone is blowing their negative stank your way – get to steppin’. And oh don’t worry about Toxic she’ll show her true colors with your friend in her own time…they always do.
"C" and I have been (purely platonic) friends our whole lives together and our families are really close, too. Our birthdays are only a day apart, so we've celebrated our birthdays together, we went to prom together, and our families vacation together. Anyway, I moved away from home last September and when I left we were on good terms. I came home for two weeks at Christmas, and the first time we saw each other was at a mutual friend's Christmas party. He acted kind of weird and hurt that I hadn't called him (I had been home for 4 or 5 days at this point). I would have felt bad for him, but he knew perfectly well that I was home and busy... he could have called me. So the day after the party I called him to hang out but he was hanging out with a girl and said he would call me before I left again. That was the end of that. I didn't hear from him, so about a week later I left without seeing him.
I sent him a few Facebook messages over the course of the next 6 months and got nothing in return. I was pretty hurt, considering how close we were. I was angry for a while and then decided that maybe that was it; our friendship had run its course. I know some people aren't good at keeping in touch (and I am one of them), but if someone I care about is trying to get a hold of me, I write back.
I got home about 7 weeks ago (he knew I was home, but no word from him) and I saw him (at a friend's place) for the first time since Christmas a few days ago. I was introduced to his girlfriend who was really sweet and who knew a lot about me. C was very happy to see me and couldn't stop saying how excited he was that I was home and giving me hugs, and acting all protective. But he didn't call me for 7 weeks, when he knew I was home... nor did he call me when my father was ill.
In my mind, if you care for someone, you put the effort in. That's it. So I had concluded that our friendship was over. But why would he tell his new gf about me and act so protective if he didn't care? I think it might just be over... but I need your advice! Help!E
Am I the only one that sees what’s happening here? I mean, E, sorry to break it to you but you know that ‘sweet’ girl? Um, well, she don’t like yo’ ass.
Let me break it down for you. Yes, of course he told her great things about you, E because he absolutely feels that way, BUT this is exactly why he’s not allowed to call you or see you. You’re a threat girl. And no new girlfriend likes to know that there’s another woman in her man’s life.
This happened to me when my best guy friend P started dating the biggest bitch on planet Earth. As soon as she reared her face into his life I was OUT like John Travolta in a steam room. And E, I was majorly pissed at first, I couldn’t get why he would ever abandon our 10 year friendship like that, but here’s the deal….when dudes are getting a daily offering of vagina they’ll pretty much do whatever they’re told. And I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that C hasn’t had many girlfriends in his life before, right? Like, this is probably his first, right? So the fact that he’s tapping ass on the regular is probably pretty radical times for him.
Here’s my advice and I’ve said it many times in my columns: You have to allow your friend a grace period when they start dating someone. So E, I think you need to give him this time. Chances are they’ll probably break up and things between the two of you will fall back into place. Obviously I don’t think you should forgive him right away. When they do break up, I think you need to take that opportunity to unleash how you REALLY felt about the situation. But until then, it’s not really worth the time or the drama. If you confront him now, he won’t get it and that will just make you angrier.
So if I were you I’d let him have this time to make the mistake. You and C have a long history together and I have no doubt that when his head finally pops out of this pussy cloud, you guys will be good again.
Keep me posted! xx
Hi Sasha, Here's the story: Not too long ago, I attended a friend's wedding wearing this dress.
Now I know it's white, and I know how some people feel about wearing white to a wedding, so I contacted the bride in advance asking her if it's ok, because I don't want to violate girl code, and I communicated to her that I'd be perfectly ok to find another dress. The bride was super cool about it and said I could wear whatever I want. Now I know one of the bride's friends (let's call her L) is kinda traditional and I know she stopped another friend from wearing white so that other girl had to wear something else last minute. L and I are not friends. We're just acquaintances. On the night of the wedding I could already feel that she disapproves of my dress, but because she didn't say anything, I didn't think much of it. Cut to the present day, someone uploaded the pictures of the day on Facebook (of course.), and L made a comment as follows:"at least he didn't try to wear a white dress.....oh, I went there!"
Now I'm pretty sure this is directed at me, although there were 2 or so other guests who wore a white dress that night. But thing is, we don't know those people. And everyone (all of our mutual friends) can see this album and that comment on Facebook! I feel like I should respond, to justify my actions, but I don't want to start shizz because I'm not even friends with her, we just have some mutual friends. What should I do? Should I respond? Please help!T
Listening to what people deem wedding appropriate or inappropriate couldn’t be more annoying to me. Everyone has something to say and for those people I say a big fat f-ck off. Sorry, but I can’t stannnndddd people who like to create drama over shit like “did you see how her table overlay didn’t match her flowers” or some asinine comment. You know those people? Are you one of those people? I hope not. Anyway, this L chick sounds like one of those dumb ass losers who have nothing better to do than be just super f-cking annoying. I have no time for people like that and T, nor should you.
Look, would I wear white to a wedding, probably not but I wouldn’t look down on anyone who would, unless your name is Lindsay Lohan. The thing here is you did the right thing and asked the bride if she would be bothered and she wasn’t. And so you took your cue and busted out some fashions. No harm no foul. And if L has zero going on in her life and thinks that she needs to lay down some passive aggressive crap, then I feel sorry for her. So E, please don’t respond to her drivel, because if you do she’ll think her sassy little remark was so awesome - I can’t watch you go down like that.
The best way to handle this is let her sh-tty ass remark hang there in its loneliness as a reminder to her that she’s one petty ass bitch to write something like that. E, just thank your lucky stars that you’re not actually friends with that lame person and move on sister, just move on.
File photo from AKM images