Breaking bro code, New Friends & Old Friends
Written by Sasha
I have two older brothers and last year I started seeing/hooking up with one of their friends. We tried to keep it on the ‘down low’ but eventually my brothers found out and everyone knew what was going on. Needless to say my brothers hated him, practically all their friends got involved in our business and had something negative to say about it. There was a whole bunch of drama that went down, a lot of cursing each other out, etc. We continued to see each other for about 8 months against everyones wishes and things just got really complicated. I know my brothers were just looking out for me and I never wanted to ruin their friendship with him. They didn't like him because they said he was bad news, didn’t know how to have a relationship, was a runaround and well the truth is he is all of that and they were right because I did get hurt. He ended things in a text message no less saying that he met someone else and couldn't deal with the “brother situation” anymore. I’m 22 and he’s 33 and this was kind of my first relationship so when he ended things I took it hard. Well besides all of that my problem now is that we said we were going to k.i.t. and we have and he tells me he misses me and stuff like that. I’ll get a text from him at 3 in the morning sometimes with him telling me this stuff and he just messes with my head. I really want to get over him but at the same time I still really care about him and want to be with him. My friends cant understand why because he did some really mess up hurtful stuff to me but I just cant help the way I feel. I need help! -M.
M, sometimes all you need to do is look at the facts; so the first thing I hope you do is re-read your letter and ask yourself why in the freak do you want to be with him, because from what you’ve just told me he sounds like a major dud. And I know, I know, you want to tell me that when it’s just the two of you it’s really great and that no one really knows him the way you do. Which, sure, is probably true but if he’s only nice to you when the two of you are alone, then what kind of quality relationship is that?
Also, I might be an old school hag but I can’t pretend that I don’t think this guy is too old for you. Let’s even take Swifty and Jakey for example. As perfect and wholesome as they look on their caffeine dates, I still can’t help but think how pervy it is of him to be touching her in erotic ways. Is this just me? Actually f-ck it, if I was Taylor I’d be in heaven porking Jake but sadly M, your guy doesn’t sound anything like Jake.
So now let’s address his ability to ‘change’ – do you think he’s capable of it? I believe that people have the potential to improve or become better when it comes to *certain* characteristics. But when we’re dealing with a general lack of respect – I don’t think you can change that. This guy seems to have zero in that department and the fact that he broke up with you via text message is totally wack. If he doesn’t have the common decency chip in his brain then I’m afraid he’s a giant moron.
Now to the most important part of all this. M, your brothers can’t even back up their own friend!!! Actually, forget the fact that they’re your brothers for one second. When a guy breaks Bro Code to tell you that you’re dating a dirt bag – LISTEN UP. Guys are privy to some disgusting things, so for them to tell you that he’s ‘bad news’, I don’t even want to imagine what sick things they’ve seen him do. And as you mentioned, everything your brothers told you about him came true. So why in the world would you want to go for round two?
So M, if you’re really asking my advice I say, bolt in the other direction. Or at the very least give yourself some REAL TIME away from him. That means NO CONTACT for at least 4 months. No phone calls, no texts, no emails. You’re too young and have too tight of a bod to be letting an oldie like that mess with you, so find some hot young thang who actually treats you right. And as I suggested in my post last week, I think you would gain a lot of perspective if you wrote down all the qualities you want in a man, and if he doesn’t fit the bill, then find a guy that will.
I grew up with a close group of girls who stayed connected years after we all left for college (about 8 years ago). In the past few years, we've all started jobs, moved away, some have gotten married or had kids, and needless to say, we have all changed and grown apart. We don't really stay in touch anymore apart from the occasional Christmas gathering or cocktail party. I feel fine about this as I don't really have anything in common with them anymore and want to move on as well. This is where the problem comes in. I recently got married, and I love my husband, but I need to have some separate girl time, you know? We live in the medium-small city we grew up in and while my husband has a few close and reliable friends whom I like very much, I don't really have anyone to hang out with. I am normal and friendly, but I am finding it hard to, well, find friends. Do you have any advice on approaching others without seeming desperate? Thanks! EV
EV, I hear ya. As much as we all love our significant others, sometimes all you want to do is kick their teeth in. So I understand the need for the escape.
Now, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s really hard to make new friends as you get older. And sometimes you really have to push yourself out of your comfort zone but you sound ready, which is good to hear.
If you find any comfort in this, when I first moved to Toronto I had NO girlfriends. I thought I was a fairly normal person but trying to get that across to people without geeking out seemed, well, straight up f-cking geeky. I finally realized that if I didn’t try to make friends, I would turn into some dungeons and dragons basement freak. Eventually I scouted out this girl at work that I really wanted to be friends with. Long story short we’ve been friends for 5 years and she’s one of my closest buds.
I’m not going to lie, at first it felt unnatural to ‘try’ to make friends but you just have to suck it up. Also keep in mind, sometimes we’re not aware of the vibe we put out -shyness or insecurity can sometimes read as bitch face, so EV the first step is to make a conscious effort to open up in social settings.
I know it sounds weird but I also think you need to come up with some good pick-up lines so the next time you meet a cool chick, you drop a ‘we should catch a drink one night soon’ or ‘oh I’ve been dying to see that movie, we should go this weekend’. That may sound cringe worthy but man up and give it a go. Also book clubs and weird lectures seem to be great place to meet people. Do a search online and find something that’s coming up soon. I guess the point is you’ve got to put yourself out there because no one’s going to come knocking on your door to see if you want to be bff’s.
I hope this helps EV! Good luck!
Dear Sasha, I have a 20 year friendship that is on the rocks. I considered this girl like a sister. She recently got divorced after 9 years. I was there for her in every way possible and sided with her throughout this ordeal - even her own family turned their backs on her. She was struggling as she was a mother of 3 young children. I found out a year after the divorce that she slept with her husband's boss at the end of their marriage (her sister told me). Now she is involved with a guy who is even worse than the ex-husband. For the record, the girl has always had atrocious taste in men. Once she got the vibe from me that I did not like this guy, she completely turned her back on our friendship. It really bothered me that she would do that after how much I supported her after the divorce. We didn't speak for almost a year (we used to talk 3 times a day). She has recently gotten in touch with me but I don't think we will ever be close again. This is the first time this has happened to me. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie? It bothers me that she wasn't upfront with me but I am also disappointed in myself for not confronting her about it when I found out. I can be a judge-y bitch, so I figure that is why she didn't tell me but I feel duped and lied to. Should I just move on? Hearts, S
A 20 year old friendship is rare so I’m sorry to hear that it’s on the fritz. Relationships, especially with this much history, take many different forms as the years go by. Sometimes it’s doesn’t remain the same constant you hope for. So when things get thrown off balance and the relationship no longer looks the same, it can be quite upsetting.
I’m sure the two of you have shared A LOT over the years but when people get older and start having their own lives sometimes they become less candid and open. And this becomes especially true if life gets complicated, as it did for your friend. Maybe she was really embarrassed about her failed marriage. Maybe it was information that she wasn’t ready to own up to, let alone share. And it sounds like she got up to some pretty shady sh-t and that could be hard for anyone to fess up to.
And to be quite honest, that’s not something that I necessarily think she HAS to divulge to you. Sure, I would probably feel sad that my best friend couldn’t open up like she used to, but I don’t think it’s fair for you to feel slighted or betrayed. Just because you guys are tight it doesn’t mean that she has to tell you EVERYTHING. And as you mentioned you can be a judgy biatch so maybe it was difficult for her to handle judgement at that time.
Sometimes friendships need a time out and it sounds like that’s what happened. Do I think you guys will make up and be the same? No probably not, but you could re-define your relationship so that it works for this phase of your lives. Either way, you should express how you feel because the way she shut you out of her life wasn’t fair and she does owe you an explanation for that. Obviously she’s going to have her own side of the story, so I say meet up, battle it out and see if you want to pick up the pieces in the end.