Never Been Kissed, He’s a Cheater & the Fatal Flaw

January 24, 2011 12:45:41 Posted at January 24, 2011 12:45:41
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Written by Sasha

Remember that Drew Barrymore movie, Never Been Kissed? Well, that's kind of me. I'm 26 and I've never had a romantic relationship of any kind. I had really low self-confidence growing up. I was overweight and used that as an excuse to stay on the sidelines of life. I was interested in boys, but just assumed that there's no way they'd ever be interested in someone like me. I had crushes that I admired from afar and I comforted my lonely self with TV and books and Sour Patch Kids. Wah-wahhhh. Post-college, where I spent most of my time studying instead of partying and meeting boys, I finally did something about my weight and lost about 50 pounds. I've managed to keep it off but I've found the self-confidence issues are still clinging on. I do look a whole lot better physically and have (finally!) gotten some male attention. I have even met a guy that I think I may be interested in dating. But I am absolutely terrified of actually doing something about it. What if he's not interested? What if he is actually, by some act of God, interested in me? If he is interested in me, why hasn't he done anything about it yet? How would he react to my Josie Grossie past? Sometimes it seems like he might be interested, too - we're Facebook friends and he writes funny things on my wall sometimes, and on New Year's we joked around for a while, and later, he offered me some of his cigar. I'm just in this constant state of indecision and I can't take it anymore. I could maybe, possibly see myself getting to know him better and eventually, expressing my interest but then some days I just want to know if there's anything there and if not, move on. So, should I continue to tippy toe into the dating waters or just dive in head first?

I was actually talking to a colleague a few months ago about people’s self perception after weight loss. He was a really heavy guy in high school and then, like you, lost a bunch of weight and has successfully kept it off for many years. But he admits that no matter how much he loses, when he looks in the mirror, he still sees ‘that fat kid’. And it sounds like you’re struggling with a similar self-image, but my question is: if you went through all this hard work and determination to get to where you are now, when do you get to enjoy the pay off? The goal of losing the weight was for you to feel better about yourself; feel healthier, and let’s be honest, finally get some fu-king tail. So I think it’s time for you to step out of the shadow you’ve locked yourself into and have some fun. Stop being a pansy and start getting your flirt on. I mean, even Josie Grossie got her teacher to want to bang a 16 year old student. Jesus that’s fu-ked.

Now I’m not saying this guy you’re interested in is going to feel the same way about you, but you have to at least try. Even the prettiest most secure women get burned so don’t be scared of that. It happens, it sucks but you move on. So CS, absolutely dive on in, because you’re never going to know how anyone feels about you unless you put yourself out there.

In the meantime, I think it would be a good move to work on your confidence issues. No guy is going to be able to make you feel good about yourself. So I think it would be a positive step forward to talk to a professional about some of these issues or at the very least start reading some books – “Overcoming Low self-esteem’ by Melanie Fennell is a good starting point. It would be a real buzz-kill if you were the last person to find out how rad you are.

Hi Sasha, I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. For seven months last year, he was studying abroad and then traveling in Europe. We agreed to stay together long distance. I went to visit him once about 3 months in, and then we just regularly Skyped for the remainder of the time. When I went to visit him, I kind of went a bit crazy and went through his phone one day while he was in the shower, finding some questionable texts to another girl. To give you a better idea of what was in the texts, his said things like "I'd like to take you out to dinner, just the two of us", "I've had a bad day and just want a big hug and kiss from you", "I really like you". Ones from her read "how can you ask me out and then just ditch me", "I feel really lucky to have met you", "I would move to Canada with you" etc. I got freaked out but I didn't say anything about it at the time, thinking that I was only in Europe for a week and I didn't want to make it a bad trip.
So time goes on, he returns home, but I still have this weird feeling about this girl so one day, again when he leaves me alone with his phone, I check his Facebook inbox and find messages that have gone back and forth between him and the girl. Saying "I miss you so much, I wish you were here with me.." and signing off with "love, [name]" - this closing and general content came from both parties. This was in July, and I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted him about the girl, asking what was the deal with them, and he said "We were just friends, really good friends but just friends." Things have been good between us from that point, even though I wasn't sure if I believed him - I figured, who cares, what's done is done and she's over in Europe and he's here with me so whatever.
I haven't looked on his phone or anything since then, either. Anyway, regardless of my motivation, this girl has been a lingering thorn in my side, making me wonder (albeit silently) about what really happened in Europe. As we spend more time together and our relationship grows stronger, though, I'd stopped worrying about her so much, to the point that she barely crossed my mind. Then, yesterday, I find out through her posting on his Facebook wall that he sent her a Christmas present. I ask him "What did you send her for Christmas?" and he says "just a card and a little package of candies, nothing to get worked up about". I am not really worked up, but my suspicions about them have flared up again. I don't think he would cheat on me here, but I do wonder what happened with this girl. He has a lot of female friends and I am generally of the opinion that girls and guys do not usually develop friendships without initial attraction on one side to start it up, which means that though I don't have suspicion about his friends here, I do have suspicion about this one particular "good friend" in Europe (obviously).So anyway, my question is - should I ask him again about this girl? If I am pretty sure (from the evidence I found) that their friendship was a bit more than that, should I just let sleeping dogs lie and let the past be the past? I pretty much think that's what I should do if I want to continue dating him, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly let it go. If not, is it fair to ask him not to speak to her (I know, no...but...) as long as we are dating? I wonder if she even knows that he has a serious girlfriend.Should I get to the bottom of this or just leave it alone, trust him and move on? RH

Holy fu-k, RH. I’m so disturbed by this I can’t even tell you. I’m really trying to be as sensitive as possible here, but how in the world have you convinced yourself that any of this is alright?
Okay let’s first tackle the ‘friend’ issue. Guys and girls CAN be platonic friends. I can honestly swear that I have NEVER wanted to nor have I, made out with any of my guyfriends. That’s just the way I roll but that’s not to say that guys and girls who have made-out in the past can’t be platonic friends after; but let’s get one thing straight - to have a true friendship you can’t be currently sticking your tongue in that person’s mouth. Real friends don’t fu-k. The end.

Now where your situation differs is that your boyfriend’s ‘friend’ is not even close to that definition. Who the fu-k says to their friends “I've had a bad day and just want a big hug and kiss from you", or “I miss you so much, I wish you were here with me." Like, that sh-t is straight up bananas as far as I’m concerned. Friends do not say things like that to each other – that’s not in the realm of normal. I’m sorry to have to break it to you but your guy is straight up punking you to your face and he’s getting away with this crazy sh-t because you’re letting him. So if you’re going to stand by and let him send her Christmas candy, then you’re the sucker.

Now, he might have never stuck his dick in her, although I’m not sold on that at all, but emotional cheating is just as twisted. So RH, if you want my opinion, and I really hope you take it, I think you should talk to him about this…. while you’re packing up your bags. This guy is not worth your time and you know just as well as I do that no matter what happens with him, you’ll never trust him. It will creep in and out of your relationship for as long as you’re together.

I know I’m getting really tough love on your ass, but RH, I really want you to ask yourself why you think any of this is okay, and why you would silence yourself while someone is blatantly disrespecting you. Please tell me you’ll break up with this guy. I promise there’s someone way better out there than this douche-face.

Dear Sasha, I was best friends with this girl for like 13 years. Like we spent every night at each other's houses, I called HER mom "mom", my daughter called her Aunt A, we were super tight. We actually stopped talking for awhile when we were 16 because I disapproved of her lifestyle, (gosh I was a self righteous teenager) but we were such good friends it was like it never happened. Two years ago, right before Christmas, we celebrated her birthday at a tacky place, anyways the next day we got into it because she started freaking out and insisting that the night before, I was rude to her friend (I wasn't, I was polite to this girl but she kind of just stood there smiling at me, not talking, so I went to go have fun with vocal people) and that how DARE I and she just didn't think we could ever be friends anymore. Mind you, she was texting all of this to me and I just felt that the whole thing was ridiculous, so I suggested we talk after she cools down, she refused, so I said "I'm sorry you feel that way." I mean, the night before she actually left the damn club without telling me a word, so I stood there like an idiot until I realized I was deserted. And I wasn't even mad about it!! I literally had no idea where she was coming from, she was drinking SO much the night before that I didn't even see her most of the night. She kept saying all these people agreed with her, and I felt hurt that she would believe them over me, and told her so. But she was so insistent on NOT being friends that I just went with it. Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, but I had absolutely no problem stopping being friends. I figured this was too much trouble anyhow. I even had to tell her to stop calling and texting my sister, trying to talk sh-t. It was ridiculous. About 6 months later, I felt bad and tried to email her and tell her why I was so confused about this fight we had, and maybe I cussed a little too much but all she said back was "Have a nice life, take care of E for me." (E is my daughter and that made me so f&cking mad that she would dare say that to me. Who says that??) Anyways, it's been 2 years now and sometimes I think I should try again. It makes me sad to know she got married without me being her maid of honor, which her awkward friend became after we broke up, and it's weird to think she'll have children I'll never meet. I miss her mother like crazy too. What do you think Sasha? –AJ

AJ, is it possible that you’re the toxic friend I wrote about in this post? Do you think?

There are always many different sides to the truth, so the first thing you have to do is figure out why she cut you off and why she got so mad at you.

If you’re honest with yourself, and feel like she’s the crazy one, then why do you want to be friends with a crazy biatch? Just carry on your life without her and put your energy towards the relationships that DO matter.

Now, if she’s not the nutbag then is time to dig deep and figure out what your role might be in this. Were you rude or cold to her friend that night? Do you have a tendency to snob out? Have people called you out on this kind of behaviour before?

There’s this ‘game’ that my sister loves playing with me that quite frankly I hate, but in the end it always makes me look at myself in a different way. Basically it’s ‘played’ when she thinks I’m being a mega-bitch. The game is one round, and entails one question: “So Sasha, what do you think is your fatal flaw?” I usually answer with ‘I’m selfish’ or something along those lines….OMG, I’m laughing so hard writing this. Anyway here’s the deal with the fatal flaw. Strangely, this ‘flaw’ is no secret. It’s the thing you’re nagged about and the thing that people close to you have told you straight to your face a million times. What’s odd about the fatal flaw is it’s the one character trait that we’re all totally oblivious to.

So AJ, what is your fatal flaw? Trust me, it’s by no means fun to turn the nasty floodlights on, but it’s always good to check yourself every now and again. So, I want you to play this game with someone who knows you really well, someone who can tell you the truth.

After you’ve had a good look at yourself and have owned up to some of your blunders then I think it’s the right time to reach out to her. Your old friendship obviously didn’t work well, so if you can approach her with a new friendship then I think there’s a possibility that the both of you can start fresh.

I hope this helps AJ and let me know how this all pans out!

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