Intro for August 15, 2016

August 15, 2016 13:07:17 Posted at August 15, 2016 13:07:17
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Patrick Smith/ TOSHIFUMI KITAMURA/ BEN STANSALL/ Tom Pennington/ THOMAS COEX/ Getty Images

Dear Gossips,

I had an “I wish I thought of this” moment looking at my inbox this weekend. What if the Sorting Hat went to the aquatic centre? How would each swimming stroke – and the athletes who represent them – be divided into their respective Hogwarts Houses?

The following comes from the brilliant mind of a reader called Molly, aka Zuzu. I love it SO much:

1. Gryffindor is freestyle, because obviously. Think Simone Manuel, Penny Oleksiak, Nathan Adrian, and, above all else, Katie Ledecky.

2. Ravenclaw is breaststroke, because it's unnecessarily overcomplicated. It's too smart, and a little too self-righteous. Lilly King is examples A through Z.

3. Hufflepuff is backstroke, because it's for stoners. I mean, you're straight chilling on your back. Ryan Lochte focused on the IM this time around, but he's a backstroker at heart. And how sweet is Ryan Murphy? And besides the tie for 2nd, my favorite moment thus far is Maya Dirado using actual magic to beat Katinka Hosszu.

4. Slytherin is butterfly, because it's f-cking sadistic. That makes the most decorated Olympian in history a Slytherin. I think Scorpius would be proud.

To take it further though, given that Michael Phelps owns the Individual Medley, meaning that his swimming is that versatile, is that like possessing both (boring) Gryffindor courage and the ability to speak Parseltongue? Is Michael Phelps the Harry Potter of swimming strokes?

Simone Biles is definitely the Harry Potter of gymnastics apparatus. OK now…do the same thing with women’s artistic gymnastics. Balance beam = Slytherin? Vault = Gryffindor?

On that note, let’s big up Oksana Chusovitina who has a bigger heart than all of them.

Yours in gossip,


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