Star Jones & the feng shui weight mistake
June 28, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at June 28, 2006 12:00:00
Biggest news in gossip today. Not really news because we"ve been expecting it since Rosie signed a few weeks ago, but just in case you haven"t heard, Star Jones is officially off The View. She made the announcement today on the show while the other ladies feigned surprise. I especially loved how Barbara handled it…all attempted class and tact and expressions of regret, comical not only because she"s obviously no actor but also because as the executive producer of the show, she clearly had a hand in showing Star the door. So we"re on the air and Star braces to unburden herself of her decision and it"s weird and tense and Elisabeth"s only parting words are that she"ll miss Star"s shoes (I almost died!) and less than 2 hours later, People Magazine speaks to Mrs. Big Gay Al Reynolds exclusively to report that she says she was fired, that it was not her choice to leave, and that her contract was simply not renewed. Pointless to go into the reasons why…we all know about her pimping the wedding, the drama, the attitude, the fact that Rosie O"Donnell hates her - bitch had it coming, you know what I mean? And yet…I have to say I"m not excited or the least bit happy about this. The prospect of Star going yapper to yapper with Rosie in September was every gossip lover"s dream. Come on, y"all. Wouldn"t you have tuned in, just for week 1, just to see those two mad hyenas go bananas on each other? And before you remind me that Rosie"s a feisty crab to begin with, you will recall her own talk show era, during which she was dubbed the Queen of Nice, a singsong departure from the obnoxious foul mouth dyke-tude that made her famous, the minor exception being when she ambushed and verbally assaulted Tom Selleck and NRA. The point is, without Star, Rosie will likely not be a bitch on daytime. And that, my friends, is a damn shame. What, then, is to blame for the fall of Star? Well, if you ask my mother, Star"s rapid decline has to do with her rapid shrink. Fat loss = fame and fortune loss. It"s the way of the winds. You see, some people are meant to be round. It"s their weight that brings them good luck and prosperity. Every chubby person I"ve ever played mahjong with has always kicked my ass. And trust me, I"m from a line of Mahjong royalty. No one kicks my ass. And it"s not that Star should have remained morbidly obese or anything but by shedding much too much, Star seems to have dieted her "fu" right down the toilet. "Fu" - the Cantonese pronunciation is "fok"- is the symbol you often see at Chinese restaurants (attached), right beside those ceramic cats with one fist up in the air. Don"t lie. I know you"ve wondered about those cats. Anyway, over the course of one"s life, we are responsible for protecting our "fu" and accumulating it through acts of kindness and honourable behaviour. What is "fu"-full for some is not always "fu"-full for others. Black, for example, is not particularly fortuitous for someone like me. Which is why every bad thing that has ever happened in my life has been associated with the colour black. Like the time I ripped the door off my car the day before my driver"s test or the time Martin Tymowski called me a yellow bellied "insert bad racist word here about Asians" in Grade 7. Black however works very well for others. I know people who only wear black on the most important of occasions. So for Star Jones, her fat was quite obviously her "fu". Incidently, the word FAT sounds like the Chinese word for RICH and as my mother would say - Lo fat, lo luck, lo monkey! Translation: No fat, no luck, no monkey! (Monkey, monkey is her way is saying someone is too skinny) and you can chart Star"s luck loss from the day she started losing. So roll your eyes all you want. But remember this - my culture is OLD. There"s something to be said for ancient Chinese secrets, you know what I mean? Here"s Star pre and post. I"m thinking somewhere in between should restore her good fortune. It won"t however get rid of Al"s gaygay. Even the mystical magic of my people couldn"t fix that one. UPDATE: MAJOR catfight brewing here. Barbara says Star blindsided them with her announcement today so she told her not to come back! Star has been evicted ahead of time! Watch the show tomorrow, y"all. See how it all shakes down.