The Ongoing Search for Little Sci
July 6, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 6, 2006 12:00:00
Again, for the benefit of his rapacious legal team - please note that what you are about to read is based on conjecture and gossip and rumour and has not been confirmed and Tom Cruise is the most virile man on the planet and his Church is all wise and all mighty and they are very, very nice, praise Xenu forever and ever….ah - Thetan. Right, then. Shall we? As you can see from the cover of the latest Us Weekly, every smuthound from here to Planet Xenu is currently on Little Sci lookout. Where is she? Does she exist? For a refresher on the all the conspiracy theories, please click here if you haven"t already to get caught up on the rest. So according to Janice Min et al, Tom"s Hollywood friends are beginning to wonder. No one, not even the Scientologists, no one has seen her. Apparently Will & Jada Smith think it"s weird. And there"s also something about pulling out of a baby portrait sale at the last minute. Naturally, the collective gossip universe is now losing their sh*t over what"s really going on. And, um, isn"t that the point? Some people I"ve talked to who are quick to scoff at any elaborate alien abduction stories say that it"s simply a reverse psych publicity stunt. Don"t give them what they want, let it build to a frenzy, get your famous friends to feed the fire, up the ante, and pretty soon, the Chosen One and her exorbitant photo fees will be a thing of the past. If you subscribe to this way of thinking, there are certainly factors working in your favour. First and foremost, given the secrecy of the Sci"s and the shroud that covers their activities, why would they publicly confirm any suspicious behaviour on the part of a fellow Churchgoer that could end up casting their lovely little organisation in any more negative light? Second - with his nuptials supposedly just around the corner, how much more impactful would it be to deliver an exclusive one-two Suri/wedding punch that could probably command DOUBLE the Jolie-Pitts’ charity donation? And third, as the Andrew Morton bombshell book looms large over the alien horizon, keeping Little Sci under wraps for a strategically timed counter-attack might not be a bad move. A skinny Katie + a bouncing Suri + a wedding dress = Asian Hello Kitty TomTom fans going mental AND a gazillion dollar bonus AND the fraud perpetuated. Good plan, non? Boring, yes. But hey, we"re starting with boring first. Now let"s move on to more salacious speculation. Beyond the horrible insinuations of varying disabilities and diseases that have befallen the baby or the suggestions that the Cruises are out infant shopping, there are a couple of new rumours that have just reached my Chinese ears. Certain gossips are now saying that the mystery has nothing to do with Suri but everything to do with Katie. Some think that motherhood has reversed Katie"s year long lobotomy, that she is putting up some resistance about using her child as a publicity prop to further her keeper"s career. Needless to say, this has resulted in a fractious few months between the couple, and THAT is what"s keeping Little Sci undercover. Still others believe that the Gay Midget Bride is suffering from a vitamin deficiency. For those of you who aren"t familiar with the wise teachings of the Church, vitamins can cure depression and a litany of other mental health related challenges. As a result of this alleged deficiency, Katie is in no shape to pimp her kid out in front of an intergalactic audience. She is, instead, working out like a possessed doll and popping Flintstones every five minutes, and until her imaginary chemical imbalance is "cured" … no baby, no play. And now you are properly prepared to rumour monger. So let"s debate our heads off. Send me your thoughts - perhaps we can devote a special issue to your varying opinions?