The Royals Articles

The Royals episode recaps, updates, analysis and photos.

The Royals 1.10: Oh thanks god, it’s over

Sarah Posted by Sarah at May 20, 2015 14:49:57 May 20, 2015 14:49:57
Photos:
WENN

The Royals Season 1, Episode 10 recap Spoilers but let’s be honest, who really gives a sh*t? It’s the final episode of The Royals season one—amazingly, this garbage show got renewed for a second season—and somehow, defying all the odds, Ted is still not fired. “I can’t wait to fire you,” Cyrus sneers to Ted. Full Story

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The Royals 1.9: Ophelia is completely useless

Sarah Posted by Sarah at May 11, 2015 16:10:01 May 11, 2015 16:10:01
Photos:
Splash

The Royals Season 1, Episode 9 recap Status Check: Ted is still not fired. How?! How is Ted not fired?! At one point Cyrus, now the “acting King of England” (THAT IS STILL NOT A REAL THING!), actually says, “I can’t wait to fire you,” to Ted, and I legit screamed at my television. Full Story

The Royals 1.8: Ted continues to be employed

Sarah Posted by Sarah at May 4, 2015 19:25:05 May 4, 2015 19:25:05
Photos:
FameFlynetUK /FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

The Royals Season 1 Episode 8 Recap At this point, the most insane aspect of The Royals is that Ted continues to be the head security officer at the palace. The king has been stabbed while out walking alone in London and Ted reveals he had an agreement with Simon to let him take these unattended jaunts, and yet he is not immediately fired. Full Story

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The Royals 1.7: Dame Joan Collins shows up AT LAST

Sarah Posted by Sarah at April 27, 2015 17:30:32 April 27, 2015 17:30:32
Photos:
JOHN STILLWELL/ Getty Images

The Royals Season 1, Episode 7 recap I don’t understand how titles work on this show at all. Dame Joan Collins finally appears as Queen Helena’s mom, and her title is “Grand Duchess of Oxford”, except that doesn’t make any sense. A Grand Duchess is the head of a sovereign state, or a Russian princess. Full Story

The Royals 1.6: Ted returns, remains terrible at everything

Sarah Posted by Sarah at April 20, 2015 18:41:54 April 20, 2015 18:41:54

The Royals Season 1, Episode 6 recap Ophelia’s father, Ted, returns this week. He’s the head of security and he sucks at his job so much that I can do this entire recap as a list enumerating all the ways in which he sucks at his job. We’ll start with Simon’s solo nighttime prowl and I’ll reiterate again that Prudence the murderous maid is being victimized by Cyrus into stalking the king. Full Story

The Royals 1.5: Prince Cyrus has an orgy in the palace

Sarah Posted by Sarah at April 13, 2015 19:09:01 April 13, 2015 19:09:01

The Royals Season 1, Episode 5 recap Cyrus’s big move to secure the monarchy’s future is to recreate the orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut in the palace for the members of the House of Lords. Because if the monarchy goes, so goes the aristocracy, and wouldn’t it be a shame if they had to stop having sex parties in the palace? Where is the security staff, by the way? There are two big parties happening in the palace and the only security person I see is Jasper. Full Story

The Royals 1.4: The Queen burns down a distillery

Sarah Posted by Sarah at April 6, 2015 16:07:32 April 6, 2015 16:07:32
Photos:
Max Mumby/Indigo/ WPA Pool/ BEN STANSALL/ Getty Images

The Royals Season 1, Episode 4 recap  Usually I title recaps with a notable line of dialogue from that week’s episode, but The Royals simply doesn’t provide notable dialogue, so for this show, I’m switching to the most absurd thing that happens in the episode. This week, it’s Helena’s revenge on a peasanty whiskey distiller who dares speaks to her in Snide Tones. Full Story

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The Royals 1.3: “Fashion week makes everyone crazy”

Sarah Posted by Sarah at March 30, 2015 17:15:13 March 30, 2015 17:15:13
Photos:
WENN

The Royals Season 1, Episode 3 recap I do not understand why Princess Eleanor even cares about Jasper evil-butlering her by releasing the tape of their threesome. When we first met her she had a bare-assed upskirt photo on the cover of all the tabloids, last week she was openly smoking a joint at a royal function, and this week she conducts a war with her mother in the papers. Full Story

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The Royals 1.2: “Why all the mayonnaise?”

Sarah Posted by Sarah at March 23, 2015 18:27:27 March 23, 2015 18:27:27
Photos:
INFphoto.com/ Splash News

The Royals Season 1, Episode 2 recap This show’s production value cracks me up. Blenheim Palace is standing in for Buckingham Palace—with an assist on some interiors from the Greenwich Observatory—and anything shot in and around Blenheim is beautiful and detailed. But it’s painfully apparent when scenes are in built sets on a soundstage. Full Story

The Royals 1.1: “The Queen knows everything”

Sarah Posted by Sarah at March 16, 2015 16:49:11 March 16, 2015 16:49:11
Photos:
Wenn, Roger Wong/ INFphoto.com, Splash News

The job of a pilot is to introduce the major characters, set up the primary conflict, and then hook the audience into coming back for more. The Royals succeeds at all of these things, and surprisingly it’s not as soapy as I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a still a soap opera, and the pilot gives me serious OC vibes, particularly at the beginning. Full Story

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