Thor brings the hammer down

May 10, 2011 08:30:58 Posted at May 10, 2011 08:30:58
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Written by Sarah

This is my third draft of this review. I’m having a hard time pinning down my opinion on Thor. So instead of a fifteen-hundred word coherent review, here are my incoherent notes from when I saw the movie over the weekend, including punctuation and doodles, where applicable.

Chris H -- He is seven feet tall with thighs the size of small tree trunks. Believable action star. Brother is Cyrus-infected , CH should watch for signs of Cyrus Cooties infection, including the spontaneous growing of mullets and/or soul patches. Not attractive but likeable. Old-fashioned vibe like Indiana Jones.

I can’t be the only person noticing the strong overtones of Shakespeare.

Natalie Never – Tolerable. Laughably tiny next to CH. Believe her as an astrophysicist more than I believed Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist in that one Bond movie. Character has zero development. Why is she so ditzy?

Stellan Skarsgard – They only hired him because he’s Scandinavian and that fits the Norse mythology stuff. Likeable enough but anyone could do what he’s doing.

Kat Dennings — OMG I like her! She is so funny. Calling the magical hammer Mjolnir “mew mew” is killing me, esp since I can’t spell half the words in this movie. Am calling Idris Elba’s character “Hem Doll”.

Idris Elba – Virtually unrecognizable. Stealing scenes doing nothing. Impressive.

WHO IS PLAYING LOKI AND WHY DO I LOVE HIM NOW??????*

No seriously, everyone else is getting that this is basically King Lear, right?

Who’s the Errol Flynn wannabe hanging out with Thor? He’s cute in a Renaissance Faire way.

Thor’s friends – “Lady Sif and the Warriors Three” sounds like a heavy metal band. And they kinda look like Gwar, so…

NO FOR REAL WHO ARE YOU LOKI? YOU ARE BEING AWESOME.

OMG, did he just say “Rainbow Bridge”????

Is that an ACTUAL RAINBOW BRIDGE? Is that ACTUAL RAINBOWS coming from the horse’s hooves? WHY IS THIS RAINBOW BRITE?????

Best Stan Lee cameo yet.

CH with his shirt off. Hmmm. :O

This movie is swinging wildly between Shakespearean tragedy and utter silliness. Am getting whip-lash.

Must be time for the big “Hawkeye” reveal. The guy grabbed a bow instead of a gun. … Is this even Jeremy Renner? This could be a stunt guy. … Oh okay, it’s Renner. … HOLY SH*T JEREMY RENNER LOOKS HOT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! … I hope they keep his Avengers look close to the costume he’s wearing now. This cameo is just shoe-horned into this movie. So inelegant. I bet this was filmed after principal photography, even. It feels like a total afterthought. Haha, Renner is funny. Hawkeye will have a sense of humor. He and Tony Stark will totally meangirl boring ole Captain America in The Avengers.

The movie is funnier than I expected. I wish there was more Thor fish-out-of-water stuff.

Wait, Natalie Never and Thor have Forever Love now? But all they do is ogle each other’s butts. NO DEVELOPMENT.

Could we not come up with a better name than “Frost Giants” for the villains? Even for comics that’s stupid.

The Frost Giants are from Yoda Mine.

Kenneth Branagh, I can’t believe you’re pulling this off.

LOKI YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART.

Loki = Iago

Loki = grown up, dark-haired Draco Malfoy

Loki = stealing this movie without trying

Haha, Thor called Agent Coulson “son of Coul”. I like Clark Gregg as Coulson but he’s in this movie too much. They’re pushing too much SHIELD on us. WE GET IT THIS IS THE AVENGERS.

Natalie Never has pretty hair. Wonder where she gets her blow out.

Why does Natalie Never have her lab in an old car dealership? Cool set but it makes no sense.

Again, could we not come up with a better design? This Destroyer thing looks too much like Gort (Day the Earth Stood Still). Gort The Destroyer!

Must email Jordan re homeless Thor. He’s so right. This movie would be way funny if Thor really was just a delusional homeless guy and Natalie Never was taking care of him just because he’s hot and it was all about Natalie Never caring for the mentally-ill-but-hot homeless man. I bet Jordan hates this movie.**

Ummm, wait. Loki is really a Frost Giant?????

Note to self: Don’t think about logic train. Movie will fall apart if you think too hard about it.

Goddamn that Rainbow Brite Bridge is LAME.

Giant at everything happening right now. None of this makes sense. I’m not seeing how Loki’s plan sucks that much. He’s being a dick to Thor but other than that everything he’s trying to do is solid.

Gort The Destroyer is back. Best line in the movie: SHIELD Agent: “Is that one of Stark’s?” Agent Coulson: “I dunno, he never tells me anything.”

Thor’s friends are pointless. And WTF happened to Kat D? She disappeared.

Wait that’s it? It’s over? Rushed conclusion much? Thor and Natalie Never are cut off from one another and now we have Sad Thor. This ending is dumb though because everyone knows Thor is in The Avengers so obviously he comes back to Earth with no problem. Reminder: Don’t think about the logic train.

Why did this movie happen? It was fun and all, and the Shakespearean overtones worked really well for the story, but why is this movie? I don’t think we needed Thor.

*His name is Tom Hiddleston and he’s a veteran of British TV and theater. He can also be seen in Midnight in Paris, Steven Speilberg’s War Horse and opposite Rachel Weisz in The Deep Blue Sea this year. He’s One To Watch.

**Yep, he hated it.


Photos from Wenn.com

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