Now that every high profile baby has been birthed and pimped and photographed and even worshipped in some cases, one huge question remains:
Where in the world is Little Sci?
Naturally her absence is prompting many gossips the world over to conclude that there was never really a baby in the first place. Given the morphous nature of Katie’s bump and the undercover circumstances surrounding her birth and of course the fact that the Cruises have yet to sell their pictures to any publications eager to bid for the exclusives, more and more people are concluding that Little Sci does not exist, that it was an elaborate publicity stunt gone awry, especially since Tom’s reputation has taken a huge hit after hooking up with his love slave a little over a year ago.
But if you’ve been reading my column for the last several months, you will know that as much as I would have loved to hop on the “pillow pregnancy” bandwagon, I am one of the few gossips who believes that Katie did indeed have someone’s child growing inside of her and that she did indeed push it out. Call me crazy, call me naïve, but I’m just telling you as I hear it.
However, I do understand the lure of believing the fake baby conspiracy theory (especially since Ted Casablanca seems to be teasing us with some tantalising tidbits) and the endless amount of entertainment it can provide. So let’s indulge here for a moment, shall we?
Some people think that the photo delay has to do with the difficulty Tom has experienced in finding a random baby to call his own. A shortage in the orphanage, if you will. Others prefer the Scientology experiment explanation – that they have secured a child but have admitted her to the “lab” for testing and she won’t come out until she’s been fully “Hubbardised”. And then there are the more “horrible to even suggest it” presumptions – an exit strategy, if you get my drift, to write the baby out of the script to elicit sympathy and you can insert your own plotline here as you see fit.
Finally, let’s not forget my personal favourites: that instead of eating the placenta, Tom Cruise ate his daughter or that he offered her up at the Altar of Xenu in exchange for “fixing” his GayGay.
Rip roaring hilarity, non?
Now as much as the aforementioned tales appeal to the smuttiest side of my soul, my sources maintain that Little Sci is very much alive. However, they also maintain that there is much scientological precedent to support that things might not be swell. But first, let me cover my Chinese ass for the benefit of the Gay Midget legal team because well, you know how rabid they can be, right? Remember the key words gossips: rumour has it.
Anyway, did you hear about John Travolta and Kelly Preston and that people think their 14 year old son Jett might be autistic but they keep denying it, claiming that he simply suffers from terrible allergies as a result of “environmental” toxins, preventing them from providing him with valuable resources that might actually help? Well buzz in Hollywood is that we might be dealing with a similar situation inside the Cruise compound. Perhaps not the same affliction but an affliction nonetheless. Which is why Tom wants to keep her hidden. Like I said, gossips – rumour has it. You however are free to speculate about specific afflictions to your smutty heart’s content.
But to end things on a less dramatic note, I have also talked to a couple of people – the same people who told me about Katie missing her period BEFORE People Magazine reported it – who tell me that there’s a perfectly harmless reason behind the mystery of Little Sci, chalking up the missing baby to Church custom – that scientologists are generally not in the habit of parading their babies around on display even for money (shocker!), which is why Tom’s two older children were pretty hidden up until just recently and when you think about it, it’s kind of true – we rarely see church followers with their offspring. Then again, none of you want to hang your hat on something as boring and innocuous as that, right?
It’s definitely much more fun to believe the alien abduction theories. So who am I to stand in your way?
Image from Gallery of the Absurd