JenJen is a bad Friend

February 28, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at February 28, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Praise Buddha. And I thought I was the only one who saw through the stinking pile of fraud sh*t underneath the over-manufactured and over-coiffed package known as Jennifer Aniston. Apparently not. My inbox was flooded yesterday with a small army of you rejoicing at the NY Daily News report on the "real" Jen - the insecure, vain, self obsessed Jen who has so deftly played the PR game and re-invented herself as the girl next door. Well according to Nancy Balbirer…she"s not. Here"s the summary. There was a book promo in New York the other night for a release called "The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life". Several performers and writers shared personal accounts of their best friend horror stories and Nancy Balbirer"s experience involved an actress named "Jane" who is a virtual mirror image of a certain Friend I know and hate. Turns out that Jennifer and Nancy lived together for a short time in the 80s when both were carving out their careers. Remarkably enough, "Jane" also shared an apartment with Nancy. "Jane"s" father is a soap actor and her parents are divorced. She went to the High School for the Performing Arts. Jane was also a "famous sitcom actress" on a show about friends who "live together in the Village." Jane ended up moving to LA and transforming her body with lipo and a nose job, a nose she described as coming "from her Greek half". She then went on Nutrislim and got skinny and froze her nipples whenever she was trying to land a gig. Sound familiar??? Now all this would be forgivable if "Jane" wasn"t such an ungrateful bitch and even though Nancy let Jane stay with her when she was struggling back East, Jane was rude and inhospitable when Nancy asked for a return favour several years later. She also got Nancy fired from a job on her sitcom after finding out that the producers had offered her a recurring role. As you would expect, Aniston"s publicist promptly denied the claims and the entire story, insisting that Jen barely knows this woman and that everything, every part of the story is untrue, especially the plastic surgery and the manipulation and the part about getting Nancy fired. Uh huh. Meanwhile, realising that she might have pissed off some powerful Hollywood brokers, Nancy tried to smooth things over by sending a letter of clarification to the NY Daily News and the columnist who reported the story. Instead of retracting her story, all she did was repeat over and over that she never said the name "Jennifer Aniston" - as recounted in hilarious fashion by the wizards at Gawker - which made a great situation even better, compounding the fact that Jane really is Jen, and reminding us over and over that she was only telling a story about Jane, who happens to share many, many, many similarities with the Chin who shall not be named. And Ph.D. gossips the world over are now laughing their arses off. The moral of the story? The Friend is a Fraud, y"all. And to all you rabid Aniston fans who love bombarding me with hate mail and AIDs wishes - trust me, I sympathise with your situation. I know the pity poor me routine was just too hard to resist. I know how refreshing it was at one time to see a completely average, ho hum nobody marry a sex god because it meant that maybe you too could have had a chance at grasping the golden ring. I know how convincing she was as the "every girl", as the celebrity you would want to have over for dinner, believing she wouldn’t care that you didn"t have Moet chilling in the fridge and a Balenciaga throw to put over her shoulders if she felt a chill. But you need to blow out that candle, ok??? Take it down from your windowsill and extinguish the flame. Because Jennifer Aniston will never be your friend. She will never WANT to be your friend. She will never even PRETEND to want to be your friend. As I"ve said all along, as I"ve been saying since that mediocre little twerp got her chance on television - JennyJen ain"t much. She is, however, perfect for Tom Cruise. And if there is a Goddess, if the gossip stars ever align, I do hope they find each other one day. One hypocrite to another - it would be true love indeed.
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