Tom Cruise: Beware the Undersized UnderDwarf

August 25, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at August 25, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
The front page of several national papers, the evening news, every editorial across the continent, including a scathing article in the New York Times , on every blog, on every entertainment news site, at the water cooler and beyond - in one fell swoop Tom Cruise has gone from Hollywood juggernaut to Hollywood failure. Joy oh joy, right? Hmmmm…one can hope. But here"s my fear … and let"s be honest… most of the people buzzing about this are pretty savvy gossips, journalists, industry insiders - in other words: those in the know, those who really weren"t GMD fans to begin with. And while those in the know are influential to a certain extent, you cannot deny that everyone loves an underdog. What they"ve done now is made him an underdog - someone to be counted out, someone to be written off, someone declared dead, dead, dead. Dead to us, perhaps... but dead to THEM??? I"m not so sure. Who then is THEM? Rewind to last year. Oprah. What I now affectionately refer to as the Insanity Smile - that ridiculous grin he couldn"t wipe off his face. And the fist pumps, and the knee bends, and the creepy way he could transition from full on euphoria about Katie to full on jaw clenched intensity when asked about his kids. Who the hell describes their young children as "good people" anyway??? Sorry, I digress. The point is - that entire show was a trainwreck. And STILL it wasn"t the most disturbing part - at least not to me. Because while you and I became increasingly alarmed by his lunacy, a great many others were becoming increasinly horny over his "sensitivity". Did you see the audience? Did you see those women swooning in the aisles with every proclamation of Katie-love-this and Katie-love-that? They were screaming, they were hysterical, they were jumping up and down fanning themselves, not unlike the ones who jump up and down fanning themselves at movie premieres, fainting, convulsing, unable to contain themselves, the same ones who will observe the recent public asskicking and buy the Vanity Fair exclusive photos and gush about what a great father he is and how unfairly he has been treated, and they will carry his diminutive little body up on their gullible, amateur gossip shoulders, all the way from the dark recesses of Hollywood loserdom back to the top of the celebrity foodchain. Trust me gossips…do not discount the MiniVan Majority, dangerous because their purchasing power is so easily influenced, especially when left to the devices of the GMD and the manipulative church. So while the Paramount purge may have been embarrassing, it was far from a mortal wound, and in the long run, if he plays it well enough, it could actually swing in his favour - a sympathy angle, if you will, not unlike Jennifer Aniston"s pity party, only in this case the enemy isn"t Angelina Jolie"s hypnotic lips/great tits/world class vagina combination but the Bully Bad Ways of Big Business pushing around the Little Guy, literally AND figuratively. In Hollywood…any story is spinnable, savvy? Moral of my ramblings? Cautious optimism, y"all. He"s down but he"s not out, and until Andrew Morton comes through and drives that stake through his heart, or a silver bullet through his soul, be wary of a comeback. And whatever you do, do not let your heart soften with sympathy. Seriously, is that book gonna drop soon, or what??? I’m beginning to worry that they got to him too. And thanks to C for sending me this photo - taken on the set of Vanilla Sky. Does it kill you like it kills me???
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