Nothing to do on a 9 hour flight but stock up on celebrity rags and kill time. Made the mistake of reading the People Magazine article with exclusive details on Dean McDermott’s goldmine of a wedding in Fiji. Total trainwreck, y’all. You read and you cringe and you read some more and the bile starts coming up and you want to stop but you just can’t because deep down inside you’re a sick dirty bitch who can’t look away.
I’m telling you – take 5 minutes out of your supermarket time, if you haven’t already, and check it out. I can’t think of anything more sicketating. Won’t spoil it for you but you know at one point she spelled out “Mrs Tori McDermott” on the beach??? F&ck. I never knew two people could be so gratuitously cheesy. And you have never truly vomited until you’ve read her vows:
“I said I’ll always be his little girl. I’ll always embrace him with my wings.”
But the ultimate, all time best? He claims that when he met her for the first time, he was immediately struck by how gorgeous she is. Let me repeat that. Dean McDermott thinks Tori Spelling is gorgeous.
At this point, I’d like to personally apologise to Dean McDermott. Because I once likened him to Kevin Federline but I think it’s clear that Dean truly deserves his own hallowed place in the Golddiggery Hall of Fame. Any man who would voluntarily peck his own eyes out and go blind for money is a category unto himself. Dean McDermott is the reigning king of the moneyf&ck. For his creative shamelessness, for his marvellous ability to swallow back his vomit for the sake of his bank account – he deserves my admiration and yours too.