Tori Spelling: it"s on bitch!
June 29, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at June 29, 2006 12:00:00
I"m warning you. If don"t care to hear me railing long and hard on Tori Spelling, stop reading now. Otherwise, let"s trash together... Check out this week"s Us Weekly. Shocker of shockers!!! She actually looks pretty human, non? But still..."Her mother"s betrayal"??? Alleging that her mother has been having an affair??? Gossips, I don"t care who you are and how much money you stand to lose, you keep that sh*t behind closed doors with the lawyers. You do NOT bum-rush Janice Min and take down yo mamma in the process. Is there any doubt why Tori Spelling has become one of the most villified celebrities in Hollywood? But before we begin flogging, please save it with the emails about letting the girl mourn her father"s death in peace. I was all for letting her mourn her father"s death in peace. But the man, the legend hasn"t been gone one week and she"s already taking her privates public. And it doesn’t get any more public than the F&CKING COVER OF US WEEKLY. So you"re damn right smutters, if she"s going to open the door of public opinion, it is game ON, y"all. It is GAME ON. According to Tori, her mother didn"t even bother to call her to tell her about her father"s passing. She found out from a friend who sent her an email. Apparently, Tori and Candy Spelling have been rowing for a while now and as a result, Tori has only seen her father once since September. The estrangement supposedly came to a loving end on June 11th when Tori reunited with her father and introduced him to KFed Jr. By the sounds of this article and the caption on the cover, she is blaming her mother for missing out on the last moments of Mr Spelling"s life, robbing her of the opportunity to say goodbye. Right. Let"s examine the timeline, shall we? Sunday, June 18th - Tori and Dean attend the MMVAs in Toronto. Tori gets up on stage and openly trashes Dean"s ex wife Mary Jo Eustace. In subsequent interviews, she ridicules Mary Jo for being "old" and for having shrivelled eggs. Sunday, June 18th - Aaron Spelling suffers a stroke Monday, June 19th - Spelling is brought home to recover, Tori remains in Canada. Tuesday, June 20th - Tori still in Canada Wednesday, June 21st - Tori still in Canada but she releases an exclusive statement to People Magazine claiming that she and Dean are on their way home to see her ailing father. Thursday, June 22nd - Tori still in Canada Friday, June 23rd - I report exclusively that Tori and Dean were walking hand in hand on Cumberland Avenue in Toronto at 1pm EST. Aaron Spelling is gone just a few hours later. That night, my spies see Tori having dinner at Ki in Toronto and then lounging at a bar called Betty"s. This is where she learned of her father"s passing. I"m told that she received a page on her PDA, she checked the message, and left immediately afterwards. Saturday, June 24th - Tori returns to Los Angeles Now while I can certainly understand what it"s like to deal with a bitchy mother - trust me, mine is a pill the size of a mahjong tile - to me, the ultimate unforgivable offence is the fact that she waited FIVE DAYS to get home. Aaron Spelling was 83. He had been ill for a long time. He suffered a stroke, which isn"t exactly like having a pimple. The last time I checked, strokes were SERIOUS. Where was the sense of urgency??? If you are standing upright, if you can breathe, if you can put one foot in front of the other, you can make it home to tend to a parent. Especially when you have the money and the resources to get your ass from one end of the continent to the other without having to pawn off a kidney. So this business about her mother depriving her from experiencing the final moments of her father"s life? Bull-f*cking-sh*t. She had FIVE days to say farewell in person. And I don"t care if her mother put dynamite at the front gates of the mansion, you do what you can, you camp your silicone breasts outside and use your golddigging husband as a human bean bag to sit on and you wait it out to be let inside. It"s called a vigil. To show how much you want to be there. It"s how my father wooed my mother. A poor farmboy pulls an alnighter eating sunflower seeds on the curb just to get his first date with Ah Chicken and her loudmouth squawk. It"s called sincerity, it"s called effort, and evidently, Tori was too busy to show some. And if you"re going to call me on experience - don"t bother. As I mentioned last week, my mother received a new kidney 4 years ago. I crossed a gulf and an entire country to make it back so that she could yell at me for having wrinkles in my clothes when the drugs wore off. I spent a week lying in the stinky mattress next to her in the hospital with only the Outlander series (kill me now) and her incessant yapping to keep me company. Three times, THREE TIMES, a day she"d develop a hankering for a certain food or a drink which could only be purchased from her favourite restaurant 45 minutes away - one way! - and I"d have to battle ridiculous Toronto traffic to get there and back just to have her complain that it was cold by the time she ate it. All this and the regular, disgusting sick people "duties" you have to perform for a patient…but you do it anyway, don"t you? Unless you"re Tori Spelling, that is. But here"s where it gets even better. The public criticises her for being an absent daughter, every gossip blog questions her whereabouts, and all of a sudden, a highly suspicious item appears in Page Six about Candy Spelling"s questionable relationship with another man. Did your eyebrows just pop up? Two days later, Tori takes her story to Us Weekly and ta da! We have a new victim on the block. Coincidence or Conspiracy? And did I mention the obvious? That Aaron Spelling left an obscene fortune behind??? Nothin" like money to bring out the c-bomb and the big guns, non? So since Tori has decided to draw lines in the sand, on the pages of a celebrity weekly, you bet your boob job it"s fair game to take sides. In one corner: Candy Spelling Rumoured to be a first class terror, strange fascination with dolls, spends a lot of her husband"s money, does not get along with daughter, may or may have been having an affair behind sick husband"s back but we"re not completely sure since timing of said report coincides with daughter"s brand new publicity campaign, and allegedly has a serious eBay shopping problem. In the other corner: Tori Spelling Homewrecker, flaunted affair even though object of illicit desire had a wife and child(ren), publicly trashed ex wife of current husband for having to resort to adoption because she was no longer fertile, waited 5 days to go home after father suffered from stroke, opportunistically negotiates cover with tabloid weekly in effort to turn public opinion against mother, and blames mother for preventing last contact with father even though there no natural disasters impeding air travel for the week during which she could have returned home to hold candlelight vigil outside biggest mansion in Hollywood for the privilege of saying goodbye. Hmmm…tough call, non? Forget the entire Hate List, gossips. Jennifer Aniston, Fergie, SJP, Kevin Federline - I now LOVE THEM ALL! Ok, maybe not KF*cker, but you know what I mean. There is only one person worthy of the scorn and its name is Tori Spelling. Here"s hoping she ends up having to actually work for a living. It"s not sufficient moral justice but it"s definitely a good start.