Tori Spelling: the Goddess roars back

July 27, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 27, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Payback"s a bitch, bitch! With the exception of a few small details, both People Magazine and Us Weekly are reporting that Aaron Spelling gave his daughter the shaft, virtually shutting her out of his $300-$500 million fortune, with little more than an $800,000 inheritance - chump change considering the veritable mountain of cash he amassed during his lifetime. But while People is taking a decidely neutral approach to the situation, US Weekly is favouring Tori, quoting from "sources" who insist that the Dynasty patriarch would never have left his baby girl hanging in such dire straights, that Candy is mounting a vicious revenge campaign in retaliation for her daughter"s disgusting behaviour. As a result of the financial face-slap, Tori is said to be struggling to make ends meet, shopping at dollar stores in Canada and stressing about how to maintain her homewrecking lifestyle. Needless to say, she"s probably also plotting a massive fight to the finish, doing and saying anything to contest her father"s final will and testament. So who"s side are we on? Team Candy all the way! First of all…who the hell are these "sources"??? From what I hear, she burned a lot of bridges when she took up with Kfed Jr and there are precious few friends in high places she can rely on these days, least of all any who are willing to take on Mother Spelling and her Alexis-inspired personality. These so called informants are probably people on her payroll… publicists, managers, anyone who stands to get a piece of the pie if and when the legal showdown takes place. They are probably the same leaks who fed the "Candy is having an inappropriate affair" stories to Page Six and US Weekly a while back - a plan that clearly backfired in her oversurgerised, fugly ass face. The Goddess is good, non? Look, I certainly understand how hard it must be not to benefit from a family windfall. If she"d been the child her mother wanted, things definitely would have been different. But here"s the thing - as we all know, Tori"s not only been a bad daughter, she"s also been a hideous excuse for a human being. And no one, even a blood relation, deserves any slack in light of her impressive c-bomb resume. Just for fun, let"s recap her string of deplorability, shall we? 1. She stole another woman"s husband- that in itself is punishable by several hundred years of karmic calamity. But if that wasn"t all, she threw it back in the poor woman"s face in public, openly making a mockery of the ex-wife"s retired womb, guaranteeing the wrath of every Goddess from Hera to Kuan Yin to Madonna and back again. 2. She"s an ungrateful little bitch - apparently complaining that her mother did not spend enough money on her first wedding, a wedding that ended by homewreckage when she pilfered from Mary Jo Eustace. 3. She broke up with her ex husband through her therapist- according to Ted Casablanca, and any little tramp who doesn"t have the decency to face up to her infidelity is primed for hell dwelling for at least an entire century, if not more. 4. She neglected her father on his death bed- choosing to gallivant with her lover in another country while he clung to life back home. 5. She slandered her mother"s name- deliberately planting gossip about alleged extra marital relations to gain public sympathy and airing her private family laundry on the pages of a tabloid weekly. Now if you were Candy Spelling, would you squeeze out one extra penny for this thankless child? HELL NO! In fact, I"d arrange to give her even less if possible. And you know what my mother would say? It"s a story I tell often, to underscore the importance of filial piety, not only a bulwark of fortuity in my culture, but in every culture the world over. This is a woman who expects ME to call HER on MY birthday. I"m not kidding you. Every year, I wait til noon and I break down. I"ll ring her, she"ll pick up with an expectant "Yes???" And I"ll say, "it"s my birthday, you haven"t called." And she"ll be like "Pshaw! Why should I call you! You know how hard I worked to push you out? I had the worst pregnancy ever! I got so big Dr George had to make me wear red shoes to see my own feet so I wouldn"t trip! Look at my bones! I have small bones and you crushed them! And you want me to call you??? Where"s my present? What did you get me?" At which point I usually have to ask her what she wants FOR MY BIRTHDAY, wait for her to hum and haw to decide, and make arrangements to get it to her within a week, before I can finally get off the phone several hundred dollars poorer in the process. That, my friends, is filial piety. So when it comes to Tori Spelling, you want to know what my mother Ah Chicken would say? She would say CHAR SIU. Cantonese for barbecued pork. Delicious, juicy, goes well with rice noodles and broth or over a bed of steaming white rice with baby bok choi on the side. My mother would say that she would rather birth a piece of pork than have to live with a selfish little skank of a daughter who doesn"t appreciate her blessings. In other words - CHAR SIU is more valuable than Tori Spelling. The same Tori Spelling who is hellbent on waging war with the woman who gave her life. Keep it up, bitch. Keep.It.Up. Because this is just the beginning y"all. Sins like this, FIVE cumulative soul scorching sins, do NOT go unpunished. Oh…and Dean? If you"re out there? Sucks to be you, dude. Did you know Heather Mills McCartney is single? Just asking… Photos from US Weekly
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