We all have our favourite illusions - fantasy beliefs rotten at the core but so irresistibly delicious you voluntarily ignore the fraud. For some, it"s Jennifer Aniston. For me, America"s "happy" nipply sweetheart ain"t my thing. I prefer British powercouples: concrete tits and concrete glutes, frozen puffy lips, text message affairs, Spanish affairs, groupie affairs, a son for every scandal, and the best duo posing this side of Siegfried & Roy.
Enter Posh & Becks. And thank Goddess they play along.
Again in the book, more gushing on his part about his wife, gushing I"m willing to believe hook, line, and sinker:
"The first person I spoke to after I"d finished talking to Steve (after getting axed from England football) was my wife. Victoria has been my rock all through the World Cup and she"s stayed strong for me through all the adversity afterwards. Victoria was amazing after the World Cup. The support she showed me was incredible. People sometimes seem to talk about her as a bad influence on my career but they wouldn"t if they could see how much she helps me. Like I said, she"s been my rock. Before the World Cup, she did everything to make sure I was focused on football and nothing else. She knew how important it was that absolutely nothing got in the way of the build-up to the tournament. After the World Cup, she was the one who was there for me - with my mum and my dad and the boys. My boys knew I was upset but they are still watching England games and still wearing their England kits. They"re cheering the team on, just like me.
It"s not difficult to see pictures of Victoria in the newspapers every day. She"s there because people like taking pictures of her because they think she"s beautiful. And I think she"s beautiful, of course. It"s flattering that people want to know what she"s doing next, what her hairstyle is, what sunglasses she"s going to be wearing, what her jeans are like. What is difficult is when people criticise her. She"s a devoted wife and mother and she deserves every success she gets. It did affect me deeply for a couple of weeks but when I"ve got a wife like Victoria, a happy family and good friends, it helps you put things in perspective."
A split they said? At the beginning the summer, the UK rags said it wouldn"t last past the year??? I won"t put my head up my Chinese ass and pretend it"s love and not business, and I won"t even gloat this time about being right… but there is a girl in London (what"s up A.R.!) who will owe me 50 pounds because the Beckhams understand more than anyone else that they are better together than they are apart.
And finally…about these titty pics, photos snapped of the Victoria and David at Cipriani last night, breasts all nipply, lips all cocky, body all bony - the usual criticism, the usual snark: She"s too thin! Her boobs are so fake! Why does she look possessed???
Why ask why???
To paraphrase Mark Darcy, it"s the elements of the ridiculous that make Victoria Beckham Victoria Beckham. I am thankful for Victoria Beckham, I am thankful she doesn"t bore me, and above all, I am thankful that she will NEVER follow my personal mantra, the all-seeing eye for propriety and class…when in doubt, the guiding question for all time, my compass, my beacon:
WHAT WOULD GWYNETH DO?
Gwyneth would never get implants. She"d just complain haughtily about breast feeding all 17 of her children in a field somewhere while composing poetry and playing the harp.
Gwyneth would also never starve. Starving is so common. Starving is so working class. Starving is for people who aren"t born thin. Gwyneth was born thin. Therefore, Gwyneth is above starving.
Gwyneth would NEVER rock long fake nails. Sorry, and I don"t mean to offend, but if you can"t grow "em, just cut "em and keep "em short. I don"t care if they"re gel, acrylic, press on, or fibreglass…long fake nails are small town, grocery clerk, bad perm, and dixie cup weddings.
And while I, for the most part, love Victoria"s style, these are 3 wonderful atrocities she can"t seem to give up, 3 atrocities that define my girl Posh, 3 atrocities that continue giving us so much pleasure.
So please don"t trash the Posh. Just love the Posh. The Posh is pleasure. The Posh is gossip royalty. The Posh forever. Amen.
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