The Pupil & The Posh

June 18, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at June 18, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
These photos taken a week ago just surfaced of Mrs. Becks and her latest wannabe, a girl called Cheryl Tweedy, not quite as well known in North America as she is in the UK so for the benefit of us non-Continentals, forgive me while I provide a little background info, will you? As I understand it, Cheryl belongs to one of those manufactured bubble gum pop groups called Girls Aloud. She is engaged to an English football star named Ashley Cole. Not a bad looking tart, as you can see. Quite pretty, in fact. Wholesome and sweetfaced in that Posh pre-starvation, pre-surgery kind of way. Already a compelling story, non? Thing is, Cheryl is dealing with many demons of her own. As it turns out, her man has been battling gaygay allegations for the last several months, primarily because it"s widely rumoured that he enjoys - and this is NOT for the prudish - gurgling boy balls in the locker room. OK, OKÔÇŽnot exactly balls. But peepees. I hear it"s a super fun game where someone puts his something in your mouth and you compete to see how long it can stay there without talking or sucking. No, I sh*t you not. So then the tabloids started claiming they had photos, suggesting but without naming Ashley and then of course came the lawsuits and the denials and now naturally, every smuthound in England is convinced that Cheryl"s a beard and Ashley is her big payday. High drama for someone who isn"t exactly a stranger to scandal herself. First she was accused of being a racist after verbally abusing a cleaning lady, which has apparently now been resolved since she"s marrying Ashley, and then she was raked over the public opinion coals for calling Charlotte Church "fat", not exactly endearing herself to women who have a healthy relationship with food. Is there any wonder why she and Posh are becoming fast friends? So Vicky has found herself a new project: grooming a clone, imparting her anorexic pearls of wisdom, and training young Cheryl on how to cling to a loveless marriage while the cameras keep on clicking. Cheryl is supposedly overjoyed and overwhelmed by the honour of having such a distinguished mentor, so much so that she is alienating herself from the other WAGs, content to bask in the cool shadow of the Beckham spotlight. Not pleased about her defection, I hear the WAGs gave her an ultimatum - Victoria or Us. And I don"t have to tell you which side she chose, do I? Was it the tacky matching acrylics that gave it away??? Meanwhile, Posh is continuing to keep a close eye on her man in Germany. It seems a foregone conclusion overseas these days that he can no longer stand the sound of her voice and that he plans to leave her for some real fleshy sex as soon as the tournament is over. But gossips... my eternal delusional flame still flickers thanks to the sage words of a few well placed sources who insist that David loves money more than he loves illicit poon. And the thought of his wife teetering away on stilettos with most of his fortune in a divorce is enough to keep him firmly on the fence about a separation. There is hope y"all. Posh & Becks fuh-evah! Photos from Saving Face
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