What can she do?

October 1, 2008 14:30:19 Posted at October 1, 2008 14:30:19
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Porny can’t act. Porny can’t dress. Porny can’t think. Porny can’t make good decisions. And now…

Porny can’t sing.

Call me Cruise but I always thought she could sing. At the very least, I thought she could do that. Her old songs may have sucked and her technique may have been gymnastic vocals at its worst, but I naively believed that the title “Jessica Simpson, singer”, was not a fallacy.

Now I know.

Jessica Simpson can only shout. And this is how she performed on Dancing With The Stars last night.

She shouted and then she sucked off the mic, she shouted some more, followed that up by some moaning and groaning, and ended the set with more shouting. Seriously…it was brutal. If you can stand it, watch the clip below. I swear to you, 15 seconds into this and Marcus snorted and left the room, running for his crate. For reals.

What’s with the fans screaming over those two ballroom dancers… ? Really? People watch this? More people than 30 Rock?



I feel badly for Porny though.

Don’t you feel badly for someone who can’t do anything … but give good head?

Here she is out for dinner afterwards last night wearing Dracula’s doily around her neck needing us more than she’s ever needed us before.

Needing us to befriend her.

Needing me to launch BeJessica’sFriend.com

The initial concept: an entry a day, some basic girl to girl information starting at kindergarten level, with recommended reading and interpretation afterwards. Like Judy Blume, like Jane Austen, like Joni Mitchell, in the hopes that she will secretly visit. And she will learn. And it will become a reality show.

Don’t steal my idea!

The silver lining?

Jess last night – I guess it wasn’t as bad as this? You’ve enjoyed this classic, right? I lose my sh*t every time. I could be facing the guillotine and if you played this I’d still laugh my Chinese ass off. And now we’re comparing it to Jessica Simpson?

Oh for shame.


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