Once upon a time, Keanu Reeves sat atop my Freebie 5 list – the king of my fantasy mountain, despite the fact that he can’t act worth sh*t. He earned that spot with a little movie called Speed. Pure molten loin quivering hotness. And in that last scene, when he saves the city and Sandra is on top of him, and they finally kiss, and he’s dirty and sweaty, and his biceps are popping and he’s rocking that short buzz cut and oh my goddess, I wanted him so badly. Can you believe that was 12 years ago???
And can you believe his face has already started melting? Did it start deteriorating during the Matrix? I don’t remember it but then again, I only saw the first installment. Don’t get me wrong. I still have all kinds of love for Keanu. But he looks puffy and he looks like he’s oozing something bad and while I don’t necessarily think he’d be the type to syringe something nasty into his skin, I can’t help but suspect that something untoward is leaking from his head. And that makes me sad, y’all. Because for all his quirkiness and melancholy, didn’t you think he was better than that?