Intro for September 6, 2017

Lainey Posted by Lainey at September 6, 2017 13:02:59 September 6, 2017 13:02:59

Dear Gossips,

The best thing I read online yesterday, which was yet another day of mostly sh-tty news, was Allison P Davis’s piece about Touring The Children’s Museum With Asahd Khaled, The Busiest Baby In Hip-Hop. Of course Asahd is busy. He has almost 1.5 million followers on Instagram. They need to be entertained.

Asahd went to the museum with an entourage that was 12-deep, including several journalists, Allison among them. A reporter from Forbes was also there, no doubt chronicling how Asahd is already contributing to the global economy, or perhaps putting together a new feature: the 30 under 30 Months List that includes, in addition to Asahd, Sir and Rumi Carter, Saint West, and Princess Charlotte. Maybe Luna Legend? Is she famous enough? Does she have the credentials? After all, Asahd is the executive producer of his dad’s hit album, Grateful. If DJ Khaled is nominated for any Grammys, technically, since Asahd is officially credited with production, the award would belong to him too.

By the way, Asahd had to change outfits midway through his tour of the museum. Because even though he’s evidently capable of executive producing albums, he’s still not capable of controlling his bladder and bowels. Or maybe it’s because he was tired of his first outfit, Gucci, and needed to flex some new gear. Whatever the reason, Asahd’s wardrobe is better than anything any of us have in our closets and we are reminded of this all the time on Instagram. Are you mad? But can you really be mad at Asahd? I’m kind of obsessed with Asahd, and babies aren’t really my thing. It’s the absurdity of it all though. It’s the absurdity in combination with his cuteness. The kid is undeniably extra, extra, extra cute. And just plain extra. If you’ve seen Asahd and at one of the award shows that he regularly attends, you’ll note that he seems to be quite enjoying himself. All those cameras, all those people rushing him, rushing to hold him, and he somehow doesn’t freak out. At one point during the museum tour, Allison sees Khaled asking Asahd if he’s having a good time:

“You havin’ fun, boy?” Khaled asks his son, who’s on the changing blanket. “When it feels like work, you stop.” 

WHEN WOULD IT EVER FEEL LIKE WORK!??!

Allison’s entire article is a scream but my favourite part – and perhaps the most sharply observed – is when  when she describes what happens when Asahd posing with one of the museum’s prime attractions:

Across from the president’s desk, there’s a huge fake dollar bill with a hole cut out for people to take photos. Asahd reaches for it, indicating that he would like to pose with the giant dollar. While he’s cheesing, a non-celebrity child approaches. She, too, would like to pose in the dollar. She’s instructed to wait a little longer and, instead, puts her head in a penny cutout so her mother can take a photo of her. These other babies don’t know who Asahd is, but they will probably always remember the feeling of being forced to be a penny while some other child got to be a dollar bill all afternoon.

The dollar bills are the children of celebrities. And the child royals. Prince Big G is definitely a dollar bill too, non? It’s just that his family isn’t as ostentatious about showing off his dollar-not-penny status, given that his and their dollar status is entirely supported by taxpayers. That said, Big G already has a brand. And a seal and a crest and some titles, probably. Don’t @ me with your royal knowledge, the point is Big G was always destined to have his own logo while Khaled is basically building one for his kid with his own earnings. My question is – is that the extreme version of what we’re seeing on Facebook and Instagram from ordinary people who, in their own ways, in their own circles, are dollar bill branding their children too?

Click here to read Allison’s full article on Asahd.

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

 


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