Someone sent me a link to a Benedict Cumberbatch story this morning with just the words:

“You’re welcome.”

So I clicked.

I will not be thanking this person. Sorry. Because she thought I would get all wet and rubby over how Benedict Cumberbatch describes how he would f-ck as Sherlock Holmes. And wet and rubby was not my reaction. But first, I’ll let you read it.

The interview is with ELLE UK and the writer challenges him, saying that sex with his Sherlock would probably suck. So he counters by detailing step by step how he would get inside a woman.


I’m already squicked, and it hasn’t even started yet.


“Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand. I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink. Yeah, no wait for it. I would probably watch a lot of porn...  I might have to shave, um, areas to fit in with a modern idea of bodily hair. And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers. And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter… But when I did it would be explosive.”

You’re welcome???

No. I think YOU owe ME back!

Let me tell you how it works for fickle people like me. Physical attraction is everything. I need him to look like Charlie Hunnam. So I don’t care if he’s the Beyonce of clinically working out a step-by-step foreplay and subsequent f-cking, if I’m not attracted to him, if when I see him I feel like his eyes are too far apart and it’s freaking me out, even if he can finger-bang like a champion, I’m not going to be into it.

But hey, I get it. We all have our flavours. I’m a Charlie Hunnam and you’re a Bendy Cumby. So if you want more of his erotica, click here to read it at ELLE UK.