Dear Gossips,

I read a lot of Dirty Grandpa reviews this weekend. Because the movie seemed to bring out the creative best in film critics. Sarah’s review will be posted later this morning. Dirty Grandpa is currently scoring at 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. Who are the people giving it a passable enough rating to bring it up to 7%?

As you know, Dirty Grandpa is Zac Efron’s follow-up to We Are Your Friends, which bombed at the box office last summer. Bombed as in the “worst opening of all time from a Hollywood studio title released in 2,000 or more theaters”. But for some reason, Zac didn’t have to eat much sh-t for that. And he’s not eating most of the sh-t for Dirty Grandpa because people are fixating on Robert De Niro and whether or not he’s poor because why else would he take on such a project?

Why, though, does Zac Efron keep getting passes? “Because he was great in Neighbours!” No. The MATERIAL was good in Neighbours, and that has nothing to do with him. So he gets credit on successful projects when others are doing all the thinking and he doesn’t get enough credit on the fail projects when others should know better? We’ve all had a colleague like that. It sucks to work with a colleague like that.

Let’s continue with the 12 Days of Chinese New Year. Today it’s the Dog. Last year for Dogs was a year of learning. The Year of the Monkey will be unpredictable and there’s no lucky star to help you. So Dogs must guard their luck. Be very strategic with when you want to spend it. Only push when you are totally sure it’s the right time. Otherwise it’s probably best for Dogs during this Monkey to study, fortify, and work.

That said, there’s a travel star that’s following the Dog right now. It means that there’s a move in your future. Could be your home, could be your job, but if you want it, you’re on your own to make this happen – be careful and cautious.

In addition to the travel star, there might also be a dark star in your presence bringing the potential of a lot of arguments and some loss of money. Do not stress this. Don’t fight it. Fighting it will only lead to more trouble. Accept it, move on, and the cloud will pass more quickly. By the way, Madonna is a Dog. Think of what she’s been going through lately. Will be interesting to observe how she handles her custody drama in the next few months.

1946 Dogs shouldn’t have to worry much about food and shelter this year but since their facial luck path has arrived at the chin, a high traffic area, health should be a priority. Rest more and don’t fixate on sadnesses.

1958 Dogs could enjoy gambling and food luck this year.

1970 Dogs should be aware that the Monkey means lots of toil but little reward.

Don’t worry if your specific year hasn’t been highlighted. Just means that there’s nothing notable beyond the general advisory to be aware of.

In general, for Dogs, with respect to love and romance, if it’s not there, don’t force it. If it’s not there, it’s not yours.

Since Dogs will be working really hard this year, you may not have peace of mind, especially Dogs who were born in the fall. Travelling might help with this. Get away for a while if you find you’re struggling emotionally.

April will be the worst month. Be mindful in April of trouble with the law and take care of your body. Get a complete physical, with blood test, and/or see the dentist at the start of Chinese New Year. This represents a fresh beginning and may also minimise injury through the year.

Spirituality will be an asset for Dogs this year. If you are religious, try to connect more with your community. If you are not religious, my ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken says you can still “make a promise” – only during daylight hours, close your eyes and pledge a charitable gift. Make sure you fulfill that pledge by the end of the Year of the Monkey.

Again, remember, these are precautions. And these observations don’t necessarily mean that Dogs will be unhappy or that your year will be full of sh-t. As my ma always says, no one needs to be alerted in advance of good luck. But we all could use some notice if bad luck decides to come around – so that we might be able to avoid it or be better prepared and so that we can be present, in the best position, for the arrival of good luck. In many ways, sidestepping bad luck is luckier than all kinds of good luck.

Yours in gossip,