Entertainment Weekly has the best writers ever – week after week, the magazine is stimulating and readable, every page from front to back, and doesn’t make you feel dirty when it’s over. EW is the best. 

So EW has just reviewed the Morton Tom Cruise bio. The review itself is as entertaining as the information within it.

Check out this killer passage – f&cking brilliant:

Morton….seemed ideally suited to gnaw and claw beneath Cruise"s masklike surface, especially since the star"s hard-shell twinkle has started to flake. The interrogation-repelling superstar meets the unstoppable dirt-digger: It"s the celeb-bio edition of Alien vs. Predator. 

Alien wins.


In short – EW says the book is sh*t. To be exact, the book is an “air sandwich”. 

There are however a few titillating details. 

(Morton) compiles stout testimonials to the star"s heterosexuality while carefully, non-libelously palpating rumors to the contrary. He devotes diligent pages to Cruise"s wives and the Church of Scientology (successfully making his relationships with all of them sound damn spooky)…

And the best part: 

Cruise emerges from Morton"s takedown moderately scratched but as uncracked as ever. What"s inside him? Rage? Confusion? Fervor? A tiny man operating the controls? It"s still anybody"s guess. Grade: C-

A tiny man operating the controls!?!?!

Love, love, love. 

Click here for the review in full.

Thanks Bo for the heads up.