If you hate them, stop reading now. Because I’m going to describe to you what it was like, and how impossible it was not to get turned on by the Pitt Porn, their chemistry on the carpet, whatever it was that was going on between them was infectious. So I’m going to bring it, every sickening detail and if you can’t stand them already, you are going to hate them even more. Warning, skip to the next.

First…can you believe Angelina Jolie didn’t wear black? Or gray? It was yellow, it was Ungaro and Chopard and while I wasn’t all that crazy about the dress itself, the dress on HER was unbelievable. I mean she just POPPED, you know?

So is she thin? Of course she’s thin. She’s very, very thin. But at the same time, when she’s standing there in person, it’s not… it doesn’t take away from anything either. You don’t look at her and say – man that sh-t is gross, take it away and give it an avocado because it’s hurting my eyes. And I’m sorry for that. I genuinely apologise. I’m honestly sorry that I can’t tell you that she’s so skinny that she’s become ugly. Because that simply hasn’t happened.

Would she be even more beautiful with a little more meat? Absolutely, undeniably so. Angelina Jolie 15 heavier probably would have shut down the Croisette and caused a complete meltdown. Angelina Jolie at 50% however is still better than anyone else on their best day…she is a goddess.

And it was like this yesterday – the calm before the storm.

The fans shouted for everyone, the crowd went crazy for the boys, but before Angelina and Brad showed up there was a moment, really quick, almost imperceptible, when you could hear a pin drop – figuratively I suppose looking back – and then … total f&cking pandemonium.

And not entirely un-encouraged either. Oh yeah they worked it. There was seriously a little something extra about those two last night. She especially worked it hard. And she has not posed like that in a long, long time. The photographers were going mad – I spoke to a couple last night, they’ve seen her several times before and they confirmed: “oh she gave us everything we needed last night for sure”… in her own way, of course – I mean she’s not Victoria Beckham or anything but she was generous with her angles, she did what they wanted, she gave them their shots, she gave her dress its due.

But the best… the best is that Brad was watching while she had her moment. I’m telling you, that was the beginning. The rest of the night was like porn for me. A pervy but rather endearing smile played at the corners of his lips, then he put his arm around her again and his hand immediately shot down to her ass – you know how it likes to hover there? They did their thing together, he rejoined the boys for a few laps, and just as they headed into the theatre, as soon as they were off the red steps, she put her hand on the back of his neck and shoved her fingers into his hair – am embarrassed to admit this but I quivered a little. And she kept doing it all night.

And still their arrival was nothing compared to the departure. No idea what they were doing in that screening but by the time they came out, as they were descending the steps of the Palais, whatever was going on between them was even more palpable. These are the shots I’m attaching. Am now convinced she was probably c*ckteasing him all night in the auditorium because I’m telling you, these two just wanted to get home. They got into the car, they couldn’t get close enough together, and his hand immediately shot over to her thigh. And you know what she did???

She looked up at him with a long blink and bit her lip. She.Bit.Her.Lip. Then she did that thing to the back of his head again (have attached other examples from A Mighty Heart premiere the other night), then they looked ahead smugly and drove off.

Trust me…we all saw it. Everyone saw it. And you remember that story way back when they first got together? About them in Africa at some hotel and the sounds of their lovemaking so ferocious the guards came running? And then they got all boring and had babies?

Yeah well the jungle sex phase is back.