Sometimes a movie sucks sh-t at the box office and it’s not fair. The quality was underappreciated. Sometimes a movie sucks sh-t at the box office because, well, it just sucks. Or it’s poorly marketed. Or its actors weren’t appealing. There are a lot of reasons why The Tourist failed to get people into theatres domestically. As I keep saying, a lot of it has to do with that goddamn trailer. And the fact that no one wants to see Johnny Depp all bloated and dorky. Some of you have mentioned you couldn’t stand the Jolie’s accent. Many critics posited that the movie couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. The reviews have been scathing.


The Hollywood Foreign Press Association decided to honour it with three Golden Globe nominations.

The f-ck?

Made in Dagenham... nothing! Cyrus... nothing! So many others... nothing!

Then again, the Globes don’t really count in a proper prognostication. The Globes are for the carpet, and who gets drunk inside. Which is why they wanted Jolie and Depp there so badly. And let’s be honest, when the Brange show up at the Beverly Hilton, I’ll be stroking my smut along with everyone else. So, there’s that.

But there’s also still work to be done. Jolie and Depp want their movie to start performing. Especially overseas where they’re expected to recoup their losses. Seeing the hit they took in North America, the two actually decided to finally stand side by side on the carpet today at the photo call in Berlin. They avoided it last week in New York for the US premiere, allowing only one measly shot that barely turned up anywhere and certainly wasn’t used for marketing purposes at all.

In Europe though, it’s different. In Europe, the weekend after their disappointing open, it’s definitely different, although as you can see, they’re very conscious about leaving space between them, trying to touch as little as possible. The director can put his arm around Angie, but Johnny won’t, and shouldn’t. Because that will lead to rumours. Can’t really blame them either. You know how it works.

I worry about how much foundation Johnny has to wear these days. I also wonder why no one can lend her a proper makeup artist. That waxy sheen is the worst. Did Jennifer Aniston get hair AND makeup in the divorce?

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