I don’t know why it has to be so hard. Anne Hathaway started the night off so strong: white dress, as is often her wont, cute hair, and the key to everything – Amy and Tina on her side with a joke early on. 

For a girl like me, someone who tries to like Anne Hathaway very much, and often feels like she gets a bad rap for being earnest, instead of the insufferable most people paint her as, there starts to be a little bit of hope. You breathe easier because maybe this time Annie’s going to pull it off.

And then she wins, and this happens.

“This blunt object which I will forever use as a weapon against self doubt”
“Thank you for the best string of yesterdays I have ever had”

Are you trying to tell me this business is heartfelt? Is that how her mind really formulates sentences? I was once an overdramatic 11-year-old so I know the answer was yes at one time, but has she developed no internal filter?

Then, when Les Miserables wins – you know, not the biggest surprise, but very nice – there are dozens of people who get up to accept the award. But only you, only YOU, Anne, who was in the movie for a mere 20 minutes, are compelled to come out in convulsing sobs and cling to Amanda Seyfried who, as Dean pointed out, was not having it. 

What would happen if she played it down? Would she worry that people would think she cared too little?   Has she been accused of coming off as uncaring? Why is she so resolutely overwrought? Anne Hathaway is a year older than Emily Blunt – doesn’t that blow your mind right off?

I was even going to give her points for rolling with it when Sasha Baron Cohen talked about the world having seen her vulva, but then she had to go and ruin it all. Do you think Stephen Huvane calls her up the day after? “Our polls say take the gush way down”?