Can you really be called a great vocalist when it’s just sounds coming out of your mouth with no words? I don’t understand a word of what Ariana Grande is singing because she’s too busy doing sh-t with the notes. She also has, like, zero stage presence. That could be an 8 year old at a recital for all I know. And we had to live through it TWO TIMES last night at the American Music Awards. During Bang Bang, when they cut to her with her leg in the air, I thought it was Little Miss Sunshine.


On the upside, I don’t remember her being called up to stage to win anything. Small mercies. On the downside…

There’s a brother.

Mary J Blige’s face in this photo pretty much sums up the brother:

I wish I could see Mary J’s eyes in this shot:

We’ve made it an entire year having to endure Ariana Grande. And it’s not going to stop. If anything there’s going to be more of it in 2015. Give us something to balance that then. Because I. Can’t.

If ever there was a reason for that expression, “I can’t”, it would be Ariana Grande.

I can’t.

Which is what I’m going to start calling her from now on. I Can’t Ariana Grande.