So the Eclipse premiere finally happened last night. And of course Ashley Greene, being the side player she is, did what she could to convince you that she’s a lead player, that she matters. Last time she tried to outdress Kristen Stewart and showed up like it was the daytime Emmy Awards – click here for a refresher – this year she’s still working the “housewives of some city” hair but decided to go for the “I’d be writhing around in bed with no clothes and hard nipples if I didn’t have to be here” look instead. If she could have properly choreographed this thing, Your Body is a Wonderland would have serenaded her down the carpet.

Ashley Greene obviously doesn’t know about subtlety. But then again, given Ashley Greene’s low profile, and the limited opportunity and talent she has to raise it, subtlety probably isn’t the right play. The problem is that all the other plays haven’t worked – posing half naked, posing half naked again, posing paint naked, “stolen” naked photos...

This, in her mind, is how you become the next Cameron Diaz/Jennifer Aniston, the only two queens of comedy. Why is Ashley Greene a Why Is?

Ashley Greene doesn’t want to be Tina Fey. And that says everything about why she’s nothing.

Photos from and and Jen Lowery/