Written by Sarah

You know how Lainey wants to be Jessica Simpson’s friend and save her from herself? Well I want to do that for Ashley Greene. Ashley is in need of a life intervention. She needs a (pretend) friend to tell her Hard Truths and help her manage her expectations. So consider this your intervention, Ashley.

Last week Lainey called you an “over-reacher” and “nothing” because your idea of success means being the next Jennifer Aniston. I agree, this is a shallow goal. Does Aniston look happy to you? While Aniston is very famous, I have seen her up close and personal. She’s miserable. She’s mean and unpleasant and rude, and this was before The Divorce--I assume she’s only worse now. The constant dieting and working out, trying to tame the inner bitter harpy, the box office poison movies, the status as The Ex Mrs. You Know Who--this is the future you want for yourself?

You are selling your public image as a Face and a Body. Talent and capability is nowhere on the list. When did you decide this is the best you have to offer? In interviews you don’t come off as completely stupid like, say, Megan Fox or any of those Gossip Girl twats. So why you insist on being just a Face and a Body bugs me. Everything about you right now screams “lowest common denominator”. The wannabe-vixen clothes, the accidentally-but-maybe-on-purpose leaked nekkid photos, the string of bikini and body paint photoshoots--all of that makes up the easy road to fame. I think you are little better than this. Do I think you’re the next Cate Blanchett? No (remember, Hard Truths!). Do I think you have more talent and brains than you are using thus far? Yes.

Recently you completed work on Butter, a comedy co-starring Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Garner, Modern Family’s Ty Burrell and Flight of the Conchords’ Kristen Schaal. That’s a decent cast, and it was this experience that lead to your asinine comments about pursuing comedy to be like Aniston, and Cameron Diaz. I’ll admit to laughing at you, too, because I’m a bad (pretend) friend like that, but lost in the shuffle was your comment about taking an acting class to hone your comic chops. You, Ashley Greene, expressed an interest in LEARNING to better your abilities. This acknowledges a tacit understanding that you could improve. You do not already think you are the best comedienne ever. This is a good sign, but everything else about you right now is a bad sign.

As for these guys you get photographed with…well, sometimes it’s the job of a good (pretend) friend to be the bad cop so I will put my foot down on this and demand you stop hooking up with these losers and assholes you keep dating. Except for Jackson Rathbone--whatever you’re doing with him, keep doing. I know he’s a player, but let’s face it, so are you. At least Rathbone is an interesting dude with an IQ that actually registers in positive numbers. He’s miles ahead of your usual hook up and whether it’s as friends or maybe-possibly-something-more, spending time with someone like him will only improve you. Also, ditch the weave. It’s one thing to don extensions for a night to get a different look, but wearing a weave day in, day out is trashy and leave that sh*t in the trailer park where it belongs. And while you’re at it, hire a new stylist. Obviously your fashion sense is nonexistent (hard truths!) and you need someone to save your style from its current “Housewives of The Hills” purgatory.

You’re old enough to make these decisions for yourself, Ashley. I’m just here to tell you that you don’t have to be the useless twat you seem hell-bent on becoming. There is another option, the option of work, of exerting yourself, of trying to develop some ability beyond just being a Face and a Body. There is an expiration date on that. One day the efforts to maintain everything becomes grotesque and you end up with a third lip or a fake face. But talent and ability never fade. Push yourself to be better, to be more than just a Face and a Body, and I guarantee you’ll be happier twenty years down the line. It’s hard work and it’s not easy but you can do it. You can be more than just a Face and a Body. Has anyone ever told you that?

(From Lainey: Sarah is so kind. And I’m a f-cking bitch. Which is why I’ll say that Ashley Greene is just a Face & Body. So her strategy thus far, selling her face and body, especially on Chelsea Handler, is probably the only move she has. The interview is below. Of note: one night she took off her clothes for a boy and he wasn’t down with her pasties. For real.)

Written by Sarah
Photos from Carlos Alvarez/Gettyimages.com