Ugh. Ashton Kutcher’s facial hair. Those of you who’ve been reading a long time know… I call him Gary when he does this. As in Gary from Team America: World Police. When they tried to make Gary look like a terrorist by gluing beard batches haphazardly on his face. Ashton’s attempts at older manliness are equally as ridiculous.

In the past, when he’s pulled a Gary, his unattractiveness has usually been balanced by Demi’s gorgessity. Ashton’s preternaturally preserved wife is almost always flawless…which is why, even though she’s not hideous here by any stretch, it’s doubly surprising that she looks so uncharacteristically not herself in these photos.

They two attended the Chrysalis Butterfly ball on Saturday in LA. As you can see, Demi’s just a bit off. Maybe it’s the bangs, maybe she needs a touch up, but for the first time maybe ever Demi actually looks her age. And that’s NOT a bad thing. Not by our standards. By our standards she’s a knockout. By her standards however it’s a f&cking catastrophe.

I imagine that’s what it must be like. Plastic surgery upkeep. Like being chased down a dark alley every night of your life. Tortured by a time terrorist whose legs never seem to slow as yours turn to burn and your lungs fill up with fire and the distance between you gets smaller and smaller, and even at top speed, somehow he’ll chase you down.

I wonder: is this Demi’s life? And Madonna’s? And especially Nicole Kidman’s?

Photos from