From Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore: Divorce papers.

TMZ broke the story on Friday afternoon that Kutcher had filed in LA that day with some bullsh-t explanation like he’d waited a long time so as to preserve Demi’s “dignity” but had no choice but to make the move now because Demi wasn’t acting on it.

Demi’s side, of course, responded quickly, and also leaking through TMZ, that she’d had every intention of divorcing Ashton only she was waiting to sort out some of their finances which is why she hadn’t yet submitted the paperwork.

And, naturally, Ashton’s leaked back, again through TMZ, that Demi’s stalling because she wants to hit up Ashton for all kinds of cash money, even though she has more than enough of her own, supposedly.

So who’s the asshole here?

Oh they’re both assholes. She’s an asshole because, at the heart of it, she’s really just another betrayed housewife of Beverly Hills who isn’t over it, can’t get over it, and won’t be over it no matter how empowered she claims to be.

And he’s still the cowardly asshole who cheated on his wife to get out of his marriage, and is now capitalising on the bad press surrounding her to save his money.

What? You don’t think Ashton Kutcher reads the blogs?

Please. He’s the first one to read the blogs. And to see the recent headlines about Demi drunkenly embarrassing Lenny Kravitz at a club only to get dumped by her new young douche. Dem is a mess. Why not strike when she’s a mess to mitigate any criticism he might receive?

All he wants to do is move on!

And she’s not letting him move on! She’s too pathetic to let him move on! He’s doing nothing wrong! He just wants his life back!

Ashton Kutcher was rewarded for his infidelity by becoming the highest paid actor on television. He makes almost a million dollars an episode on Two And A Half Men. He’s dating the Sexiest Woman Alive. He never lost his life. He doesn’t need to get it back. And he could have waited until January 15, no problem. And that the fact that he fed TMZ his excuse (“because he wanted to give Demi the dignity of doing it first”) while filing his documentation only proves that he knew he was being a dick about it and didn’t give a sh-t... while he and Mila Kunis spend the holidays with his family in Iowa. PEOPLE reports that on Saturday the two were seen out for frozen yoghurt in Cedar Rapids.

But you know what would totally absolve him?

Fatherhood, obviously.

I was only mean to Demi because I want my baby with my new young hot girlfriend to be born to properly married parents. Happy New Year!