Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (the Kutchers?) are always telling us how private they are – they issued a baby photo montage when their daughter was born and like to talk about privacy. And how much they dislike the paparazzi, because they just want to be left in peace (courtside at the Lakers game). 

And it’s such a shame because I used to really, really enjoy her. Sometimes, like during her Craig Ferguson appearance when she talked about taking the bus and working at a Rite Aid, I can almost forget she’s douche-adjacent. But she’s just too close to douche, you know?

So while they are busy being PRIVATE, she went on Ellen and was asked about a social media photo Ashton posted. To his own account. Of his own volition. It was some writing in sand and was signed “The Kutchers.”

So Ellen gently went there and asked if they are indeed married. Mila was evasive despite some gentle prodding. Because they are so PRIVATE.

Click here to see the video. 

But then last night, Mila was on a red carpet for Jupiter Ascending and Ashton sent her a pre-recorded message via Entertainment Tonight. Because they are so PRIVATE. The first rule of privacy is send your girlfriend/wife a message on the red carpet via an entertainment reporter. And then have it available for broadcast to the entire world, forever.

These two are practically Victorian in their restraint.

But seriously, what is this nonsense? They talk about each other endlessly and have a child together, so would it be that big of a deal to admit if they are married or not? The parameters of what they think privacy is – do NOT ask me about a social media photo, but I would like to tape a public note and have you show it on Entertainment Tonight – is nonsensical.

Be private, don’t be private, just pick a goddamn lane already.

Watch the “love note” below.