Beyonce Beyonce, everywhere Beyonce. 2013 has been all about Beyonce. Tonight is President Obama’s State of the Union address. Will it be inspired by Beyonce?

Here’s Beyonce on the cover of the March issue of Vogue which, gloat alert!, I reported back in December 21. The pictures are gorgeous, naturally, and I particularly like her eyeliner in the feature photo. As she’s such a control freak though, do you think Beyonce has final photo approval? Over Anna Wintour? Not even Beyonce can tell Anna Wintour what to do.

As for the interview, not terribly enlightening. Beyonce has a script. Key words: empowering, inspiring, discovery, woman. I am woman. And besides, Beyonce’s not telling you anything she doesn’t want you to know. You already know she’s a machine (some would say robot). You already know she’s extra. You already know that in her mind she is the new Royal. Every comment then is in service of underlining those points. This time she just happens to recruit some of her friends to help her communicate that message. Like, of course, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Oh what an honour for my G. To be called upon to praise Beysus in the bible of fashion, thereby solidifying her standing as B’s BFF #1. G fangirls B so hard that she even suggests that B is the perfect example of how to balance career and motherhood. Gwyneth Paltrow! Gwyneth Paltrow conceding that someone else does it better than she does?!? 

“Blue was sleeping in her arms, across her body, and B was listening back to what she had been working on. I thought, This is how you do it. You do what you love with who you love included.”

In G’s mind, Beyonce is the Ultimate Female, but, um, also kinda humble:

“When she is working onstage, she has more power than any woman I’ve ever seen. She would never say it and has never said it, but I feel she knows with every fiber of her being that she is the best in the world at her job.”

Let that be Beyonce’s next “documentary” then -- a film about their friendship, with exclusive home video and photos of the two of them hanging out. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t pay-per-view that sh-t. Or come to my viewing party and not talk for 90 minutes while we watched, breathlessly, together.

But first...

Beyonce’s movie about herself -- here’s what she told Vogue of Life Is But A Dream...and it’s AMAZING:

“This movie has healed me in so many ways. It makes me want to cry.”

So Beyonce directed a movie about Beyonce using Beyonce’s own footage of Beyonce and it healed Beyonce and made Beyonce want to cry.

Pure. Narcissism. 100 proof.

Life Is But A Dream by Beyonce airs on HBO Canada and HBO this Saturday. I’ve seen it twice already. If I wasn’t on the road this week, I’d probably be watching it another two times. If I were the Dean of the Faculty of Celebrity Studies at a liberal arts university somewhere in New England, this would be required viewing every year until graduation. Not because it’s a great film. It is not a great film. It is a terrible film. It is a poorly directed film. There is no subtlety or sophistication to Beyonce’s direction. If Beyonce were directing a real scripted movie that called for a close-up on a character crying, the following scene will be a shot of the ocean. Now imagine that technique applied to a documentary about herself.

Come on.

This is why you should be staying home on Saturday night. I promise you, if you love celebrity, if you love gossip, you won’t be able to look away. Sometimes you’ll be riveted by her perfect “natural” skin. Sometimes you’ll shout at her on your tv because she’s so full of sh-t (all the time, actually), especially during the “interview” parts of the movie when Beyonce’s on a couch with her shoes off and her face perfectly lit, answering questions posed by an interviewer who, for all intents and purposes, doesn’t get to appear on camera but for his nose. What is this? It’s Beyonce interviewing Beyonce in a movie directed by Beyonce about Beyonce! So of course she’s candid when she’s talking about breaking up with her father, professionally. If Beyonce can’t be honest with Beyonce on camera, who can Beyonce be honest with?

And meta observation aside, there’s also a lot of classic Beyonce porn -- dance rehearsals; luxury travel and holiday details (it seems like Beyonce and Jay-Z only move around by helicopter and yacht); the clothes (in one scene, on a yacht of course, she’s wearing the most incredible peacock silk robe. I had to pause on it for several minutes); and several really cute moments between her and her husband and -- the best one -- between her and her girls, singing and playing around in a kitchen in their pyjamas, like you might with your friends, only even then, in such a relaxed environment, Beyonce knows every angle, and when and where to exit and return to make the entire clip about her in that you don’t give a sh-t about the other two.

The entire movie is one giant GIF. Except maybe for the section leading up to the Blue Ivy Carter’s birth because that’s when Beyonce turns into Terrence Malick and her film becomes The Tree Of Life. FOR SERIOUS. You’ll know when you see it. I want you to email me when you see it, especially that part. It’s hilarious.


Her ma put her hair in curlers before she gave birth.

Click here to see more photos of Beyonce in Vogue and to read the article.