Remember when Granny Freeze was pregnant with Sunday Rose? And everyone called her baby bump a goose feather pillow? Now anyone who’s pregnant goes through goose feather pillow scrutiny. Even Beyonce. Gran’s precedent might be a pain in the ass for other celebrities, but where gossip observation is concerned, how can we complain?

I’ve been emailing all my friends about this all day. Delightfully.

In case you haven’t heard:

Beyonce was interviewed in Australia recently. When she sits down in the chair opposite the reporter, something funky happens with her belly. It folds into itself. It crumbles. It proves there’s not a fetus in there? It means that a surrogate is carrying the Heir?

Watch first. Start at the 0:50 mark. All you need is 10 seconds. Then we’ll discuss.

Awesome, right?

Like, no matter what your opinion, and whether or not we disagree - and we definitely will - this is AWESOME. This entire conversation is the BEST. The fact that Nicole Kidman kicked off a trend in faking your pregnancy is the AWESOME BEST.

So is that what’s happened here with the baby Beysus?

I actually do think she’s pregnant for real. I don’t think her prosthetic deflated. Here are my supporting arguments:

-Would Beyonce invest in a prosthetic budget enough to deflate while the cameras are rolling? As IF.

-For all of you analysing the way the fabric seems to be buckling around a flat stomach, I wonder if you’ve based your findings on the presence of Spanx. You do know that Beyonce double Spanxes when she’s NOT pregnant, right? I imagine then that when she IS pregnant, and has more to hold in, that double sh-t gets doubled again. What we really need then is to find a pregnant lady, about 5 months along, to put on FOUR pairs of Spanx, in a fitted but not skin tight dress, and bend over. See how Spanx defies gravity. And see how that material moves as a result. Can one of you make this happen? And send me the video? If you know someone who’s 5 months along? I will reimburse you the cost of all the Spanx.

-Do you remember the photos of Beyonce on holiday in Croatia with Jay-Z last month in that white bikini? Click here to see the photos. Study the photos. How are you people forgetting the existence of these photos? Ask yourself then, with logic - what’s LESS reliable? A video with a strange fabric ripple or a bare ass shot of her belly? What carries more weight? Think of it like evidence. Weigh the evidence. I’d say the video evidence is a lot more shaky than the photo evidence.

-And, for those of you who will inevitably insist that she was wearing a really great prosthetic in that bikini - in that case, WHY would she budget out and not be using the same revolutionary prosthetic, a prosthetic too sophisticated to decompose during a live to tape? Please. Do you not know Beyonce?

-Have you seen Beyonce perform? That sh-t is tight. It is practised. It is pro. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that she is using a surrogate and growing a plastic foam ball in her stomach - you think we’d be able to figure it out that easily? You don’t think she’d make us work harder for it? Beyonce??? Really??? Come on now.

Gossip is Good when it’s not forced. Gossip isn’t good when you have to make 10 huge leaps to get to a maybe conclusion. Like, Jay-Z is gay so he can’t get hard for B who is infertile which is why she had to hire a broad to carry their seed in a test tube and she walks around wearing some padding. That’s too many steps for me. It’s too far of a hurdle for me. I have to make too much effort, on my own, to convince myself of it. I have to negate other things that I know to be true to force it through. Is Gossip Good when you’re required to do half the trying for the story to work?

I prefer instead to focus on a point Sarah from Cinesnark raised with me today over bbm. Beyonce has always been so reticent to discuss her private life, and Jay-Z. She even shut down Oprah. Like, Oprah couldn’t get it out of her. And now… she’s with child…and all of a sudden we have to hear Every.Single.Detail about this pregnancy. At the risk of offending, um, everyone, what is with this compulsion to mother-share? Let me tell you every single last detail about the gift that is growing inside of my body. Let me focus every last conversation around the miracle of creation that I am carrying. Who wants to know???