It’s Billy Bob Thornton last night in Hollywood at the premiere of Faster with a new middle aged dye job and that nasty douche patch fronting like he still gets to f-ck Angelina Jolie every night. The automatic response to that, of course, is ... HOW? Could she?

But it’s not like I don’t have some nasty sh-t on my romantic resumé either. More than one. More than two. There will be times, if I pass a landmark, or hear a song, when my mind will flash to someone I regret on top of me, and it’s a visceral reaction, the horror, the nausea, I will dry heave, sometimes I’ve even actually spit up, that’s how disgusted I am with myself, that’s how badly I wish I could take a wand and obliviate it from history. Which is why, again, I totally disagree with people who say there’s no such thing as regret, airy fairy words about learning from mistakes, that there’s value in everything you do...

Um, no.

There was absolutely no value in me sleeping with Triangle Head. None. I want it back. I learned nothing. And my mother reminded me of it every day back then. I remember the Squawking Chicken, never shy with her opinion, asking me over and over again how I could be attracted to Triangle Head. At the time he was standing at the front door. She was standing in the foyer facing the front door speaking in Cantonese. I have since learned that you don’t have to understand a language to know when someone is saying you’re ugly in it.

Sorry... I digress.

The point is it’s not uncommon to hook up with people you eventually find disgusting (Jacek owns the best story on this subject, and it’s a horrible, horrible thing that he did in his youth, and someday I’ll share it) but the problem with Angelina hooking up with someone we all find disgusting is the Association in Perpetuity.

That doesn’t happen with regular people.

Like, when people see Triangle Head, they don’t think of me – THANKS GOD.

But every time you see Billy Bob Thornton, no matter what he’s doing, and sometimes just to piss him off, don’t you think of Angelina Jolie?


Whatever he does for the rest of his life, the only thing you’ll ever want to ask him is: what was it like with Angelina Jolie? Hilarious for us, sure, but for her... it’s a constant reminder. As if the reminders that spontaneously arise in your own head aren’t enough, the whole world has to chime in too. Gross.

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