About a month ago, Orlando Bloom was photographed on holiday with Katy Perry and he wasn’t wearing any clothes. Those photos were all over the internet. And he didn’t complain. Nobody cried about privacy being invaded, nobody called it a violation. I called it a cock-boost. Because Orlando’s dick made Orlando an actual conversation again. And Orlando has continued to ride the momentum generated by his own penis – and his girlfriend.

Yesterday Orlando decided to make his Instagram public:


A photo posted by orlandobloom (@orlandobloom) on


Justin Bieber shut down his Instagram almost a month ago and fans were begging him to come back. I’ve never heard of anyone begging Orlando Bloom to switch his Instagram over from private to public. Like, I know I’m old, but I’m pretty sure if there was some kind of #openOrlando movement happening online, I wouldn’t have missed it. Nobody was f-cking pressuring Orlando to open his Insta. “Caving”, then, is some Scott Eastwood bullsh-t right there. This is not a “cave”. This is more of a “wave”. As in both arms, above his head, sweeping back and forth begging you to notice him.

And his first post after “caving”?

A new shot of himself, blonde, on the set of Smart Chase: Fire & Earth.


back to blond...rolling to set...

A photo posted by orlandobloom (@orlandobloom) on

According to IMDb, the movie is about a “washed-up private security agent (who) has to escort a valuable Chinese antique out of Shanghai but is ambushed en route”. I’m assuming Orly is the “private security agent” who knows so much about security he colours his hair look-at-me I’m sexy blonde while guarding a precious artifact, like that wouldn’t automatically make him a proper heatscore at all. Which is all you really need to know about Orlando Bloom’s career.