What makes Brad Pitt Brad Pitt? It’s not only the looks, it’s a package, you know? Like the way he talks, as if there’s always something in his mouth… not in a gross way but in a way that suggests he’s trying to hide that there’s something in his mouth and is just so cool he can get away with it. And his hands. I have a thing about his hands. He uses his hands well, he points well, he understands that his hands are accessories… so even when he’s posing, he’s aware of the position of his hands, like magnets coordinated with his eyes…VERY seductive. And finally, his pants. Brad Pitt wears a pair of pants. They don’t bunch, they don’t stretch, they hang beautifully off of his beautifully shaped ass and they compliment his gait. Brad Pitt has great gait, never looks awkward in stride, and even though there’s a little bow leg action goin’ on, I must confess, I like a little bow leg action. It’s subliminally sexual – I see bow leg and I automatically think horse, and when I think horse I think stallion, and when I think stallion I think stud, and when I think stud I think hot sex…sex by stallion association through bow legs, see what I mean? Besides, my husband has a little bow action. Super hot, great gait. Brad Pitt gives great gait.

And he’s passing it along to his son. Maddox and Brad leaving school the other day – are you quivering? I like the indulgent, patient look on Dad’s face – amused by his child as only a parent can be. He really has never been hotter.

Cannes Film Festival next week… will Brad and Angie leave the brood behind for a romantic working getaway? Or will every Pitt be packing for the Riviera? It’s my #1 priority – will keep you posted.