If she dies at the end, I may like it more than if she doesn’t because at least that would be surprising and not just another two hours of the same sh-t made for the third time because ... I don’t actually know what the reason is, do you?

Entertainment Weekly has confirmed that there will indeed be a Bridget Jones 3. Entertainment Weekly is not the stupid UK Sun or the Daily Mail. This is for real. EW specifically reports that it is to be a third installment. Not a reboot, but a third installment, which is why the assumption now is that all three leads - Renee Zellweger, Colin Firth, and Hugh Grant - will return.

I can’t imagine why. They are not poor. But Renee and Hugh do need work. Both haven’t worked since 2009. This is a Hollywood eternity.

So what’s it about? Get ready to punch yourself in the face. Here’s what Colin Firth told Access Hollywood last year:

“I can tell you that Bridget and Mark can’t have children, I think that’s the way it goes on. So then she makes the huge mistake of going back to Daniel Cleaver for long enough to get pregnant. And I think he dumps her, and she’s left stranded, and guess who comes back to rescue her?”

It’s not adorable for a woman almost 40 to keep doing dumb things because the filmmakers keep limiting her capacity for growth. Bridget was adorable and lovable and goofy and silly and sloppy and clumsy but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t capable of moving forward. If you truncate a character’s progress for the sake of stretching out another two movies, the only thing that will happen is that the audience will resent you. This is what happened with the Sex & the City movies. And if they decide to take Bridget down this absurd road, that is exactly what will happen with this franchise too.

I’m inclined to hope that Colin was just joking. That a plot so ludicrous has to be a joke, something he pulled out of his ass. Because otherwise... well...it’s embarrassing. Which is why I say just, please, kill her. Killing her feels like the only alternative to Bridget getting into a fight with Marc and going off to get sh-tfaced with Daniel and waking up regretting it and her parents embarrassing her by using Viagra, and ha ha ha she screws up at work because she accidently posts something horrible on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr and everyone finds out so she runs off in a state but then gets caught in the riots and hides out with a ruffian child who helps her find food and water and they get rescued by Marc and she and Marc fall in love all over again and decide to adopt the vagrant ruffian child, the End.

Wouldn’t killing her be preferable to that?

Also, and I know this is blasphemy, but, um, do you remember what Colin Firth looked like in the first Bridget Jones movie? And, errrrrr, do you know what he looks like now? He’s very, very handsome, always. But back then it was his physical prime and you can’t ungrow jowls, you know, and to force him back into a character 10 years later, and force us to make the comparison, it’s just not fair.