Only Britney could reduce a story this “SHOCKING!” into something so mundane.

So her bodyguard, claiming he’s acting on the best interests of Britney’s two boys, has come forward, not only making a statement the divorce court but also selling his statement to the News of the World and yapping about his statement to anyone who will listen including the Today Show this morning.

Yes he’s totally shameless. And yes, I totally believe him.

His allegations are countless. Suffice to say, the bodyguard claims Britney is strung out half the time, almost OD’d with rehab boyfriend Howie Day, drinks in front of her kids, walks around naked, doesn’t listen to anyone, and hands off her kids when they’re crying.

Apparently this is supposed to STUN you. Why anyone thought this would be news is beyond me.

So here’s Chicken Fried bawling her eyes out leaving her lawyer’s office on Friday. Apparently she booked it to Atlanta this weekend to “gather her thoughts and look for peace”. Bobby Brown lives in Atlanta. Maybe they are looking for peace together?

As for feeling sorry for her because she’s crying – like my cold bitch mother, tears don’t move me. For people like Britney, tears are too easy. Tears are an excuse. Tears are how she doesn’t have to be accountable. For girls like Britney, tears are just plain lazy.

Click here for every single bodyguard detail.