Prisoner Bride Charlene Wittstock, the Serene Highness of Monaco, and her husband Prince Albert have ended their honeymoon in South Africa and returned home so that he can deal with the DNA test and the latest paternity claim. There are reports coming out of South Africa however that when they were there, they were sleeping in separate hotels and now that they’ve cut short their holiday, it’s convinced people even more that Charlene has been put on lockdown. That she desperately wants out but is being forced to honour an alleged “pact” to produce a legitimate heir to the Monaco dynasty before being released. And you think Katie Holmes has it bad.

Albert already has 2, maybe 3, depending on this latest one coming forward, illegitimate children. At 53 he needs to secure the throne with a child that will be recognised by law. Charlene’s job is to make that happen for him as soon as possible. A spare would be nice too. Once she’s fulfilled that obligation, she’s free to go. Divorce, after all, is very commonplace among Grimaldis. They just need a baby first.

If this were a Chinese movie, Albert, as fertile as he’s been with all his side action, will find that it’s not so easy when he needs to go about it properly. With a wife, on a royal bed, and all kinds of pressure. And if that’s not successful, you know it falls to Caroline’s kids. One day, Andrea Casiraghi might be the Prince of Monaco, after all.

Meanwhile, Albert and his henchman are still trying to play it like all this is nonsense and Charlene never tried to escape. She supposedly told US Vogue that:

“It is a shame that those rumours came at such a bad time, but I think they were timed to sabotage such a happy occasion. They are categorical lies. I won't dignify them with any response other than to say that the photographs of me and Albert in love and getting married will speak louder than any vicious gossip and empty rumours.”

That sounds like a press release and errrmmm...have they seen the photographs of her and Albert “in love and getting married”? Because they spoke really loudly to everyone. And they spoke of a bride who’s been shackled and a dickhead monarch who doesn’t give a sh-t. The video was even worse.

Let’s watch it again.

Photos from and Dan Kitwood/