As I’m sure you’ve heard, Life & Style came out with a ginormous bombshell yesterday – an exclusive headline claiming that Tom and Katie are over and that they will remain “together” but “not together” until after the birth of the much anticipated Scientolobaby. The magazine also reports that the two have been sleeping in separate rooms and that Tom will set up his babymother nicely after a low key separation in the summer. As you would expect, the Cruise camp issued a strong denial less than an hour later, insisting that the heart of the TomKat is still beating obnoxiously, much to our collective amusement. At this point you are likely wary of publicity statements and press releases…as you should be. But this one takes a little more smutty sleuthing. First of all, let me just say that I have no doubt about the integrity - or lack thereof - of this relationship. Even a gossip amateur can smell the stink of their fraud from a mile away. I do however have many reservations about the Life & Style story. And after several well placed calls to several well placed insiders (the same ones who told me that Katie had missed her period a full 12 hours before People Magazine “officially” broke it) here’s the scoop on my end: 

1. As in all other areas of life, there is a recognized hierarchy in the world of celebrity journalism. At the top of the mountain sits People Magazine which doesn’t bother with rumour and conjecture and speculation and which is usually the first outlet for the stars when they want to make an announcement. People Magazine can be trusted but it doesn’t take risks, and oftentimes they miss out on juicy dirt when it’s fresh outta the smut oven. That’s why I love Us Weekly. Janice Min, that feisty little minx, is not afraid to go gangsta when it means major circulation. And she will go as dirty as it takes if it means getting the first tip. Though known to stumble now and again, US is usually right on the ball. And most importantly, they have the clout and the money along with the legitimacy to get the goods. The straight goods. Further down the food chain are Star and In Touch. Not exactly bottom of the barrel ghetto gossip, but clearly not in the same league as the other two, despite the efforts of Bonnie Fuller who used to be the Chief Bitch at Us Weekly and who will stop at nothing to take down her former employers. And then much deeper down the dish well is Life & Style, the very magazine that claims to have gotten their hands on this exclusive. I don’t mean to be mean…but they suck, as pointed out quite astutely by the always brilliant folks at Gawker who have put together this thought provoking montage of some of Life & Style’s past covers – covers that you can see were not only wrong…they were GROSSLY wrong. So the point is this: why would any reliable sources run to a 3rd tier tabloid with their dirt??? Let’s say that you’re Karl Lagerfeld and you have designed a one of a kind dress, the kind of dress that would cause a frickin’ commotion on the red carpet, the kind of dress that will be remembered forever. Do you approach Charlize Theron to debut your creation at the Oscars, cementing the frock as a timeless piece of fashion history? Or do you ask Jenna Jameson squeeze her silicone into it at the Adult Video Awards where some schmuck will jerk off on it before she has a chance to get out of the limo??? Trust me, gossips. Us Weekly would NOT have let this one slide if they believed in its integrity. And if Us hadn’t wanted it, Bonnie Fuller would have thrown herself all over this sh*t in a heartbeat. 

2. My sources are saying this is yet another engineered, calculated play by Team Cruise, in an effort to swing media momentum over to the Dark Side leading up to MI3 which drops in early May. Irritated that the love headlines are currently being dominated by the powerhouse Pitts and to a lesser extent by his ex wife and her pansy poof of a country crooner, Tom supposedly made a strategic move to feed the fake split to a lower level rag so as not to alienate People and US but also to ensure that there was enough of a gossip ripple to put him back in the news. Enter Life & Style. 

3. This is not to say however that they will be together forever. Not at all. There are still issues with her family and there are still questions about the true nature of their relationship to begin with (understatement of the year) but given that the Cruise camp is so tightly controlled and given that they are dealing with not one but two major releases on the horizon, it is highly unlikely that a rift would have leaked without them WANTING it to leak. Don’t forget about Andrew Morton, y’all. Andrew Morton who is writing an exposé about Scientology and who is said to have solid evidence that Tommy Boy loves boys. They would never send a single, non-engaged Tom out to face this kind of firing squad, especially not when for the first time in a long time, Mr Superstar has no committed projects lined up after MI3 which is akin to a death sentence for a 40+ year old actor who has released a movie every year for the last 2 decades. A break up at this point and even within the next 6-9 months would absolutely NOT be allowed by Tom or by the Church. And if it does happen, it would be one of the most spectacular, daring rescues of our time, requiring the cooperation of several highly trained combat units and more money than the Holmes Family can afford. 4. Interestingly enough, I’m hearing that the real source of conflict in Tom’s world these days has nothing to do with Katie. Apparently, it’s Nicole who’s pissing him off. Rumour has it she wants the kids for 2 months, pulling them out of whatever Scientological education program they’re currently enrolled in to attend her wedding and get to know her Keith. Tom is saying No F&cking Way not only because Urban is reported to have taken up his old hard partying ways but also because he probably didn’t go through Narcanon to kick his habits, and y’all know you’re never really clean unless the Church says you are. The bottom line, gossips? Tom is back. He is back with a vengeance. And from now until mid-May it will be all Tom all the time, Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom. Do you love it? Or do you LOVE it???