Simon Cowell wanted her. And she was negotiating for a while with Fox, but today it’s been confirmed: Cheryl Cole is a judge on US X Factor. She’ll start shooting on Friday. Said Simon:

“I’m thrilled for Cheryl. She is massively excited about this show, and has been fantastic to work with. She is also a complete brat! Most importantly, this girl can spot talent.”

Answered Cheryl:

“I just can’t decide whether I am more excited to find and nurture the talent or for the unbelievable amount of amusement and entertainment I will have watching Simon doing everything and anything he can to beat me. He’s tried to beat me for three years in the U.K., and hasn’t even come close. His ego must be so bruised. America is gonna love this.”

Well there’s a promising first statement. Very unlike the usual “I’m so happy and honoured blah blah blah” that we usually hear from them. As you know, I’ve not been sold on Cheryl. Still feel the same. How’s The Voice doing, by the way? For real, not being sarcastic – ratings are good right? Competition is tight, right? Whatever. Simon knows more. Who am I to argue? Besides, something wonderfully gossipy could come of all of this.

It was 2006. The World Cup in Germany. Cheryl was still married to Ashley Cole who played on the English side with David Beckham. Cheryl was Posh’s protégée. Remember???

Victoria tried several times to make it in the US before finally, somewhat, succeeding when Becks joined the Galaxy. So imagine if Simon’s right and Cheryl is a smash hit, like, instantly? What would happen, in a stroke of master f-cking bitch genius, Anna Wintour, feeling the swell of Cheryl’s projected popularity, throws her on the cover of US Vogue, experimenting with a little George Bernard Shaw, and this indeed would be a closer retelling of the true spirit of Eliza Doolittle, as a way to sell magazines, but also to amuse herself sadistically as she continues to taunt and torture Mrs Beckham? And Cheryl is almost 10 years younger.


I’d be all over it. You’d be all over it.

Gossip can be willed sometimes. I don’t think this would be too hard.

File photos from Ross Kinnaird/