It’s not that we’re not Coldplay fans. We are! We own Coldplay everything: every album, every dvd, we’ve seen them five or six times in concert – first two albums totally, second two albums meh…

And we know Chris Martin can sing. Just … why does he sing so ass on these awards shows?

Let’s face it: the best part of Coldplay last night was Jay-Z…which is when Chris was tolerable. Because he was sitting at his piano not straining himself silly.

Seriously, why the strain? If you can’t hit the high notes when you’re jumping around then DON’T JUMP AROUND. His voice isn’t strong enough to sustain it. Or he needs more yoga.

Having said that, they were incredibly endearing, all four of the boys, sitting in the audience, appreciating the music, registering genuine shock and elation at having won, though the bitch in me, most of me, wishes the camera could have panned to Chris during Radiohead’s performance.

Sit your ass down, son. It’s the first day of school.

Photos from Gettyimages.com and Wenn.com