And I don’t mean Gorillaz because they would never let themselves be part of something so earnestly CRINGE.

They made a big f-cking deal of the fact that Coldplay hasn’t performed at the AMAs in 7 years. It’s gross enough that every time I listen to this song I have to think about whether or not Chris Martin is singing about how Jennifer Lawrence flipped on the “on” switch for his dick, and the “magic” that took over him when he was inside of her. But then, to watch him do it live…

At first I thought there was something wrong with his back, because he kept bending over, crouching dance moves, like a bad imitation of Drake’s perfectly dorky Hotline Bling. Oh no. It turns out that Chris’s grooves are for the gorillas. Like actual people dressed up as gorillas, dancing along to the song.

I almost drowned in fontrum. Then I was rescued by relief. Relief for Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lawrence. Because there is no love, not for someone as fickle as me, that can survive what Chris Martin looked like last night. No love.