Let me first preface this by saying either possibility - that he"s a homo or that he"s dating Eva Mendez - work very well for my particular situation. I need to kick this habit and there ain"t no better way to get over an obsession than by finding out that my boyfriend: A. prefers dudes or B. is in the embrace of a Latina goddess But first, let"s start from the beginning. Ted Casablanca, the First Knight of celebrity gossip, has outdone himself once again with a delicious blind vice about yet another prominent Hollywood player who is ready to come out of the closet. It seems this is an annual rite of passage. Last year we were treated to the titillating escapades of Toothy Tile and this year it"s Crisp Lisp , someone "cooler", someone who attended an elite party on Oscar night with his new significant other - a "very shy, very quiet" beau with whom he held hands and exchanged horny glances all night long. Ted goes on to say that everyone at the party knew what was up and that it is generally understood that this is Crisp Lisp"s virgin attempt at gay love. He also mentions in additional clues that the mystery queer is a tad “less celebrated” than Philip Seymour Hoffman, has been hitting the party circuit quite often these days, and that our fellow might have a "detractor, or three, in this town", despite the fact that he keeps a pretty low profile and is as "insular" as they come in showbiz. Finally, Ted reveals that the subject of this delicious item is not Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Terence Howard, or Matt Dillon prompting the entire gossiping public to look among this year’s nominees for possible candidates. Naturally, many people – according to Defamer - have declared that Crisp can be none other than my soon to be ex-lover Joaquin Phoenix for the following compelling but also circumstantial reasons: - He played Johnny Cash to Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s Elvis, he was nominated for Best Actor along with Terence Howard, and he was nominated a few years ago for Best Supporting Actor just like Matt Dillon. - He brought his mother and sister to the Oscars and to the Vanity Fair bash and was seen leaving a party walking behind some no name guy before getting into a limo - He did not win the Oscar which makes him obviously “less celebrated” than PSH. - Some have mentioned his tendency to be truculent and difficult on film sets when he’s in character, especially if that particular character is an asshole – or in Commodus’ case “misunderstood” – which could explain the existence of “detractors” in the industry. - He hasn’t had a girlfriend in ages. - He is quite possibly the most “insular” and private actor of his generation. All very good points. All pointing to a possible gay Joaquin conclusion. But the problem is – you still can’t rule out Jamie Foxx, George Clooney, Matthew McConnaughey, Keanu Reeves, Josh Lucas, James Franco, and a host of others from the mix. Even the editors at Defamer seem to suggest that Ted has lured us down an obvious but flawed path just to make things more interesting. So the question remains – who is Crisp Lisp? Like I said before, the arguments for Joaquin are certainly persuasive. I can see why so many people are going that route. But there are a couple of things that just don’t add up for me. Here’s what I know of that night. If the homo display of public affection occurred at the Vanity Fair bash, it is almost impossible that it could have been Joaquin. Several accounts from inside the party have been widely circulated across the web and none of them make mention of any flamey behaviour on his part at all. I myself have spoken to several staffers who were working that night and they confirm that a. they were not asked to sign confidentiality agreements preventing them from spilling scandalous dirt and b. Joaquin was with his family for much of the evening and was not seen, at least not by anyone I contacted, to be holding hands with a same sex companion. He did however smoke incessantly and seemed to have a funny story for everyone who spoke to him. Does this mean he"s not gay? No. It just means that if he brought his boyfriend anywhere, it would not have been at the VF event as so many others believe. Regarding the issue of him arriving with his mother as his date - he always brings his mother. He has brought her to every awards show/premiere in the last 2 years. And even when he has a girlfriend he brings his mother. Call me crazy but I don"t necessarily equate maternal closeness with going Brokeback, you know what I"m saying? As for his romantic history - most of you probably remember that Joaquin and Liv Tyler were once starcrossed young lovers. That ended after 3 years and since then all I know is that he"s had a rumoured fling with Amelia Warner (Colin Farrell"s ex wife), and another long term relationship with some South African model named Topaz Green that ended in early 2004. He picks and chooses his relationships cautiously - they don"t speak, they don’t blab, they don"t crave the spotlight, and when it"s over, they go away quietly without making a fuss. Which is what makes this entire gay thing so suspicious. For a guy who can"t stand Hollywood parties, who has been known to refuse to speak to the press, who is allergic to the spotlight, who hates interviews, who hates personal questions, who prefers anonymity over fame - why would he parade his new gay lover around on Hollywood"s biggest night knowing that this would add fodder to an already full slate of Hollywood gossip? That, my fellow smutters, is the biggest question mark for me. Joaquin Phoenix does not invite examination into his personal life. And it"s certainly not the kind of behaviour you"d expect to see from a true thespian who has already turned down 3 blockbuster scripts in the last 2 months and insists on piddling around in low budget heaven. The bottom line? This blind vice requires a lot more patience and a lot more thoughtful consideration. JP is far from a slam dunk gay winner. So let"s focus instead on the flipside, shall we. Joaquin and Eva Mendez.